I recently had lunch with a long-time friend whose father passed away last Christmas Eve. At the same time, my Dad's health was rapidly declining and went home about 2 weeks later. We were talking about how vivid our memories are of those final days. Our minds allow us to travel faster than the speed of light and even travel through time. I remember with video-like recall last Christmas Eve, leaving the Chapel early with Dad and going to the ER; an enjoyable Christmas Day with food, gifts, and family; welcoming hospice into the home December 27th and Dad's adjustments to their care; New Year's Day when Dad's homegoing began with alot of sleepy time and the difficulty I had bedding him down that night; January 2nd when Dad slept all day and never woke; January 3rd, the snow day when Dad sat up several hours, drank, ate a little, received family; January 4th when Dad sat up again but was very weak and we laid him down to bed for the final time; January 5th, 6th, 7th days in bed, resting, family and friends visiting, bringing food; and of course, January 8th homegoing, the three of us being at his side when he left, praying with him, laying hands on him, seeing his eye open to look at us and say his goodbye, the tears, the relief, the thankfulness, even feeling the lingering warmth of his bed after the funeral director removed his body. Precious memories indeed!
Most activities and most people-to-people interactions on most days of our lives are easily forgotten, but the life-changing events, places, and people remain with us. God allows us to retain those memories for our blessing and our growth and our faith, so that we can look back and recall how He worked and how great He is. The result? His Spirit renews our spirits, then we re-commit ourselves to His glory and kingdom purpose.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Monday, December 24, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Settling Dad's Estate & Final Affairs
Dad was wise in his end-of-life stewardship. He performed some estate planning about 11 years before his death. He gave away some money and property to those he wanted to have it while he lived. He left a clear, simple, updated will to handle the remainder after he passed away. My sister, brother, and I have a great relationship and have been in complete agreement with handling his house, other property, and vehicles, but still I admit how frustrating and slow all of this is to finish. And again, Dad was wise and a good steward. I cannot imagine the frustration of families who deal with an estate where there is no will, no planning, or little understanding of what assets exist and where they are located.
I can definitely testify and recommend that everyone would benefit from being like Dad in this regard. (1) Do some estate planning while you can. (2) Give away everything you want and can give away while you can and think about the tax implications if it matters. (3) Leave a clear, simple will that is updated after every major life event. Dad was particularly good about that, because he signed several wills during the last 25 years of his life, always preparing a new one after a major life event. He made it as easy as possible for his children to deal with his assets, and I am thankful that Dad was a good steward.
I can definitely testify and recommend that everyone would benefit from being like Dad in this regard. (1) Do some estate planning while you can. (2) Give away everything you want and can give away while you can and think about the tax implications if it matters. (3) Leave a clear, simple will that is updated after every major life event. Dad was particularly good about that, because he signed several wills during the last 25 years of his life, always preparing a new one after a major life event. He made it as easy as possible for his children to deal with his assets, and I am thankful that Dad was a good steward.
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
The Schemes Of The Enemy
Christians often underestimate God's ancient foe, Satan. We forget that he is real, the prince of this world, and that his methods are to kill, steal, and destroy. His weapons are fear, worry, doubt, regret, irrational guilt, perfectionism, envy, jealousy, and many more. We are to resist him by submitting ourselves to the power and will of the Lord.
But we also overestimate him too. We say or think "the devil made me do it", the devil did this, the devil did that. While forgetting that many hardships and difficult circumstances, even tragedies and losses, are purposefully designed by our almighty God to grow us in His grace, to purify our hearts, to refine our faith, and so much more. We can mistakenly attribute a divine plan of the Lord to that scheming low-life devil. Do not overestimate him. Believers have the mind of Christ. We are already seated in heavenly places. We are God's inheritance. We have been given God's best gifts, His Son and His Spirit. We have been given everything that pertains to life and godliness. We have been given every defensive shield to repel the enemy's advances, and we have been given the one heaven-ordained offensive weapon, a sharp two-edged sword, the Word of God. It is not a club to wildly, or carelessly bludgeon adversaries. It is a precise instrument to prick our consciences and expose our hearts.
Learn to wield it rightly. Academic credentials are not required to rightly divide it and apply it. What is required? Humble, persistent surrender and submission to its judgments!
But we also overestimate him too. We say or think "the devil made me do it", the devil did this, the devil did that. While forgetting that many hardships and difficult circumstances, even tragedies and losses, are purposefully designed by our almighty God to grow us in His grace, to purify our hearts, to refine our faith, and so much more. We can mistakenly attribute a divine plan of the Lord to that scheming low-life devil. Do not overestimate him. Believers have the mind of Christ. We are already seated in heavenly places. We are God's inheritance. We have been given God's best gifts, His Son and His Spirit. We have been given everything that pertains to life and godliness. We have been given every defensive shield to repel the enemy's advances, and we have been given the one heaven-ordained offensive weapon, a sharp two-edged sword, the Word of God. It is not a club to wildly, or carelessly bludgeon adversaries. It is a precise instrument to prick our consciences and expose our hearts.
Learn to wield it rightly. Academic credentials are not required to rightly divide it and apply it. What is required? Humble, persistent surrender and submission to its judgments!
Thursday, November 22, 2018
The Holidays Have Arrived
And this will be our first without Dad. Yes, there will be some sadness, wistful remembrances of holidays past, mingled with some laughs and many fond memories, but we need not give in to despair or hopeless grief. That's the blessing of being "in the Lord" now.
Last year's holidays are firmly etched in my mind because as we approached them I sensed that 2017 would be our last ones shared with Dad in this world. He was slowly declining in almost every functional way. He did well last Thanksgiving and enjoyed a big meal that day, but I was frequently linking arm-in-arm to steady him whenever we went out in public.
December's decline was obvious, and I began to suggest to people that if they wanted to visit Dad while he was alert and able to recognize them that now was the time. His long dormant hernia was becoming a problem, which led to his early departure from the Chapel on Christmas Eve. He was never able to attend again. Dad enjoyed Christmas Day, ate well, received family, and opened gifts. The week leading up to the New Year was uneventful, and Dad adjusted well to his new hospice nurse. Then, New Year's Day 2018 came, and Dad began the homegoing process. He got up, and we did all of our usual routines, except this day was different from all others as Dad slept alot, and thus began the final week which I have previously described.
I was astonished at how quickly the Lord decided to take him home, and I'm still amazed at the speed of it all. Primarily because, when Dad passed, there was nothing significantly wrong with his physical body. He was not ill. He was just tired. He went to sleep. And he slept his way home.
The holidays will be good, because the Lord is good. It's important to be reminded that food, gifts, events, and people do not make the holidays special. The Lord does! Believers in and followers of Christ never say a final goodbye. Our separation from Dad and other believing loved ones is temporary and brief. Life is a vapor, which reminds me that I'm on deck. So, when You are ready, Lord, bring it on!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Last year's holidays are firmly etched in my mind because as we approached them I sensed that 2017 would be our last ones shared with Dad in this world. He was slowly declining in almost every functional way. He did well last Thanksgiving and enjoyed a big meal that day, but I was frequently linking arm-in-arm to steady him whenever we went out in public.
December's decline was obvious, and I began to suggest to people that if they wanted to visit Dad while he was alert and able to recognize them that now was the time. His long dormant hernia was becoming a problem, which led to his early departure from the Chapel on Christmas Eve. He was never able to attend again. Dad enjoyed Christmas Day, ate well, received family, and opened gifts. The week leading up to the New Year was uneventful, and Dad adjusted well to his new hospice nurse. Then, New Year's Day 2018 came, and Dad began the homegoing process. He got up, and we did all of our usual routines, except this day was different from all others as Dad slept alot, and thus began the final week which I have previously described.
I was astonished at how quickly the Lord decided to take him home, and I'm still amazed at the speed of it all. Primarily because, when Dad passed, there was nothing significantly wrong with his physical body. He was not ill. He was just tired. He went to sleep. And he slept his way home.
The holidays will be good, because the Lord is good. It's important to be reminded that food, gifts, events, and people do not make the holidays special. The Lord does! Believers in and followers of Christ never say a final goodbye. Our separation from Dad and other believing loved ones is temporary and brief. Life is a vapor, which reminds me that I'm on deck. So, when You are ready, Lord, bring it on!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Dad's Last Four Years
For much of Dad's final four years, I was his roommate and primary caregiver. Recently, I was talking with a friend and we were reminiscing about our late parents, and as he was speaking, it dawned on me that Dad did not spend one night in a hospital or long-term care facility during those years. Not even one night! In fact, his last overnight stay in a hospital was for a minor heart condition about 15-17 years ago.
Dad had several doctors, primary care (basic care and routine bloodwork), urologist (treatment for a moving kidney stone), neurologist (testing and medications), podiatrist (toe nail trimming), even a surgeon's consultation (for an opinion on a troublesome hernia). He used the local hospital for some tests, x-rays, and a renal stone crush procedure, but he never required hospitalization. Think about how remarkable that is for someone in his mid-80s and facing the natural end of his life.
What can I conclude? Dad was very blessed! And my sister, brother, and I were too!
Dad had several doctors, primary care (basic care and routine bloodwork), urologist (treatment for a moving kidney stone), neurologist (testing and medications), podiatrist (toe nail trimming), even a surgeon's consultation (for an opinion on a troublesome hernia). He used the local hospital for some tests, x-rays, and a renal stone crush procedure, but he never required hospitalization. Think about how remarkable that is for someone in his mid-80s and facing the natural end of his life.
What can I conclude? Dad was very blessed! And my sister, brother, and I were too!
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Tropical Storms & Dad
We're getting ready for another tropical system (Hurricane Michael) to sweep across south GA. I bought some water and a few supplies yesterday to prepare. But I also had a flashback to September of last year. A tropical system came through the area with 60+ mph winds and heavy rain, which downed trees and caused extensive area-wide power outages.
Dad had become a bit of a roamer, but on that day, I didn't have to worry about him slipping away. The wind and rain kept him confined, but we eventually lost power during the worst of it. As soon as it let up, we drove the van around town to give us a break from being house-bound. That's when I realized that we would be without power for awhile, after seeing the damage the storm had caused. It was only two days and two nights, not long at all compared to other storm events, but Dad and I really depended on lights and TV. For the last year of his life, Dad didn't care much for TV or sports or the Braves. He couldn't hear it anymore, but between magazines and TV, he could be content and mentally occupied by it in the evenings before bedtime. So for two nights, we sat side by side, with no TV, no AC, no internet for me, and with only flashlights, not enough light to read by. So what did we do? We rediscovered the art of conversation. Amazing huh? Go figure!
Night time was never easy. I often had trouble sleeping, listening for Dad, in case he needed me, but those nights were most difficult because of the darkness of the house. We made it fine. When the power came on two days later, I was grateful, and he was too. He knew things were returning to normal, and I was relieved.
Hurricane Michael, I guess I'm ready to face you too. And I would be OK if Dad were here to keep me company, but honestly, I'm happier that he's home.
Dad had become a bit of a roamer, but on that day, I didn't have to worry about him slipping away. The wind and rain kept him confined, but we eventually lost power during the worst of it. As soon as it let up, we drove the van around town to give us a break from being house-bound. That's when I realized that we would be without power for awhile, after seeing the damage the storm had caused. It was only two days and two nights, not long at all compared to other storm events, but Dad and I really depended on lights and TV. For the last year of his life, Dad didn't care much for TV or sports or the Braves. He couldn't hear it anymore, but between magazines and TV, he could be content and mentally occupied by it in the evenings before bedtime. So for two nights, we sat side by side, with no TV, no AC, no internet for me, and with only flashlights, not enough light to read by. So what did we do? We rediscovered the art of conversation. Amazing huh? Go figure!
Night time was never easy. I often had trouble sleeping, listening for Dad, in case he needed me, but those nights were most difficult because of the darkness of the house. We made it fine. When the power came on two days later, I was grateful, and he was too. He knew things were returning to normal, and I was relieved.
Hurricane Michael, I guess I'm ready to face you too. And I would be OK if Dad were here to keep me company, but honestly, I'm happier that he's home.
Friday, September 21, 2018
Dad's Birthday
Today would have been Dad's 87th birthday. It seems strange not being able to tell him "happy birthday", or sing it to him. No family dinner is planned tonight. We don't get to see him smile while opening birthday cards or gifts. That's what makes today strange, but not sad. Why?
He's no longer trapped by illness, and because of God's grace, he's never been happier or more alive. It is well! He is well!
He's no longer trapped by illness, and because of God's grace, he's never been happier or more alive. It is well! He is well!
Friday, September 7, 2018
Feelings Don't Care About Facts
If you ever go down the blessed path of becoming a primary or significant caregiver for a loved one, be ready for harsh, even accusatory, feelings that ebb and flow after that season of life ends. By that I mean, no matter how much you love, you serve, or you sacrifice, unsteady feelings will rise up at various times to accuse you of giving up on your loved one, of doing nothing to help him at the end, of just letting go and letting him go, of being selfish, etc. They are feelings. They are not rooted in facts. But they are powerful. Feelings don't care about facts, so it's an important part of the healing and grieving process to recognize it and be honest about it.
For me, these unnerving feelings started the week after Dad passed away. They come and go, are mostly infrequent, but something unexpectedly triggered them again recently. By God's grace, I'm not paralyzed by them. I'm not shocked by them. And I assume they may rise up to taunt me for months, even years, to come.
And yet, Dad was a blessing. My time with him was precious and rewarding. Our family was blessed. There are thousands of little events, episodes, and decisions that I could obsessively replay in my mind, nitpick, and make different choices. I refuse to do that. I have to refuse that. Of the big picture and the choices we made to care for Dad at home all the way to the end, I wouldn't change a thing!
For me, these unnerving feelings started the week after Dad passed away. They come and go, are mostly infrequent, but something unexpectedly triggered them again recently. By God's grace, I'm not paralyzed by them. I'm not shocked by them. And I assume they may rise up to taunt me for months, even years, to come.
And yet, Dad was a blessing. My time with him was precious and rewarding. Our family was blessed. There are thousands of little events, episodes, and decisions that I could obsessively replay in my mind, nitpick, and make different choices. I refuse to do that. I have to refuse that. Of the big picture and the choices we made to care for Dad at home all the way to the end, I wouldn't change a thing!
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Dad: My Little Boy :)
Dad's dementia had the effect of producing an innocence, a greater willingness to trust, and a dependence on us to care for him and guide his days. In practical terms, he became my boy, just like a son, during this journey. As a dependent child, he could be peevish and want his way like any kid does. He could demand, pout, walk-out, even give the silent treatment. While individual moments were frustrating, and honestly, a few of them were tense, I look back now and think without a doubt, that it was all so cute and sweet. Fortunately, Dad was mild-mannered for the most part in his wants and whines.
Perspective always helps when we get to pause, look back, think things through more deliberately, and filter issues, events, and people through a divine perspective, God's Word and God's Kingdom.
Perspective always helps when we get to pause, look back, think things through more deliberately, and filter issues, events, and people through a divine perspective, God's Word and God's Kingdom.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
The Future Was Off-Limits
Huh, you ask? Yes, it's true. As a caregiver immersed in my ministry to Dad and responsibility for his well-being, I could not think about the future. I was never allowed to go there. I could not plan for it. I could not think much about relationships; indeed I had no choice but to allow many friendships to go dormant. I met a godly woman who could have been "the one", but that was not to be, nor could it be, because it was inconsistent with the season of life that the Lord appointed for me. I could not think about future ministry, pastoral or missionary opportunities. Goal-setting was impossible. Vision-casting was impossible. I can't help but laugh at the folly of all the books that have been written on leadership, vision, goals, etc blah etc. Those may be interesting when you're 26 and free to let your mind roam, but not when you're middle-aged and struggling every day to care for a loved one.
"I die every day" (I Cor 15:31): Dying to self is never portrayed in Scripture as optional for a Christ-follower. It is the reality of the new birth; no one can come to Christ unless he is willing to see his old life crucified with Christ and begin to live new in obedience to Him.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:13-14) Could I plan for the future? I often thought, "I have no earthly future." It didn't exist for me. There was no future, just today. Could I agonize over regrets? about yesterday? No! It was over and done. I couldn't give place to that kind of paralyzing remorse. Today was at hand. Could I worry about tomorrow? What? I saw no tomorrows. The present day was completely full and enough on its own.
Could I pastor a church? Not possible. Could I plan a mission opportunity? Not possible. Could I lead a discipleship group or ministry? Not possible. Even the everyday things of this world like personal healthcare, financial planning, reading books, whatever......nope nope nope and nope! I learned to live one day at a time. That's all I could do. That's all that was allowed. What a great lesson from the Lord! And I'm still living that way now. Some may think I can't move on. Some may think I'm depressed and stuck. Some may think I don't know what to do now that Dad moved on up and went home. Some may think I'm not considering the future (oh to the contrary, I think much, often, and highly about our Lord's glorious return). Some may think I'm not a planner or a vision-caster. Whatever!
Today is sufficient. I live for the Lord this day. I must seize whatever He appoints for me today. I must trust Him to show me what's next. I must be faithful to the last thing He revealed to me in the meanwhile. So, yall can go ahead with your leadership goals, vision-splaining, dreaming dreams, yada yada yada, but I've come too far to turn back now. I hope you know I'm not belittling anyone else of how the Lord may be leading you in your journey, but don't impose that on me. None of that stuff matters to me now.
As far as I'm concerned, the future is still off-limits. Oh, I know what it will be, Rev 21-22 makes that clear, but I refuse to miss today. I'm not giving up on what the Lord has for me today. I must die to myself today, live joyfully in Christ today, and if He allows this body to rise from sleepy slumber tomorrow, then I will gladly repeat it all for His glory. Or even better, if He says "come up here, son", you betcha Lord, I'm ready and eager to meet you.
Maranatha!
"I die every day" (I Cor 15:31): Dying to self is never portrayed in Scripture as optional for a Christ-follower. It is the reality of the new birth; no one can come to Christ unless he is willing to see his old life crucified with Christ and begin to live new in obedience to Him.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:13-14) Could I plan for the future? I often thought, "I have no earthly future." It didn't exist for me. There was no future, just today. Could I agonize over regrets? about yesterday? No! It was over and done. I couldn't give place to that kind of paralyzing remorse. Today was at hand. Could I worry about tomorrow? What? I saw no tomorrows. The present day was completely full and enough on its own.
Could I pastor a church? Not possible. Could I plan a mission opportunity? Not possible. Could I lead a discipleship group or ministry? Not possible. Even the everyday things of this world like personal healthcare, financial planning, reading books, whatever......nope nope nope and nope! I learned to live one day at a time. That's all I could do. That's all that was allowed. What a great lesson from the Lord! And I'm still living that way now. Some may think I can't move on. Some may think I'm depressed and stuck. Some may think I don't know what to do now that Dad moved on up and went home. Some may think I'm not considering the future (oh to the contrary, I think much, often, and highly about our Lord's glorious return). Some may think I'm not a planner or a vision-caster. Whatever!
Today is sufficient. I live for the Lord this day. I must seize whatever He appoints for me today. I must trust Him to show me what's next. I must be faithful to the last thing He revealed to me in the meanwhile. So, yall can go ahead with your leadership goals, vision-splaining, dreaming dreams, yada yada yada, but I've come too far to turn back now. I hope you know I'm not belittling anyone else of how the Lord may be leading you in your journey, but don't impose that on me. None of that stuff matters to me now.
As far as I'm concerned, the future is still off-limits. Oh, I know what it will be, Rev 21-22 makes that clear, but I refuse to miss today. I'm not giving up on what the Lord has for me today. I must die to myself today, live joyfully in Christ today, and if He allows this body to rise from sleepy slumber tomorrow, then I will gladly repeat it all for His glory. Or even better, if He says "come up here, son", you betcha Lord, I'm ready and eager to meet you.
Maranatha!
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