A Humiliation That Dad Never Forgot

Years ago and during the early phase of Dad's dementia, he was highly functional in many ways, driving successfully and safely, caring for his wife Peggy during her cancer illness, and carrying on with life. His forgetful moments were just that, moments, certainly nothing that harmed himself or anyone else. We kept a watchful eye on how he was doing and knew that he would need help eventually, but his regression was slow and mild.

One event, over 5 years ago, stands out in my mind as an important event in this journey. He was a regular customer at a local restaurant, usually preparing a take-out plate to bring home and share with Peggy. He did this often. He patronized that business often. One day, Dad went and prepared a to-go plate as usual, went to the register to pay, and realized he forgot his wallet. He told the owner that he would leave the box on the counter, go home, get his wallet, and be right back to pay. The owner's reaction was cruel, and nothing short of elder humiliation. He ordered my dad out of the restaurant and told him to never come back. If you think that's bizarre, then you are right. If you think there's got to be more to the story, I thought so too, but Peggy, knowing my dad's hearing was not the best, called the restaurant, spoke to the owner's wife, confirmed it happened, and admitted that she could not explain it.

Being the adaptable man he was, Dad carried on, doing his best, and took his business elsewhere. When we heard the story, I was angry. I think all of us were. I thought about going there to confront the man. I thought about waging a PR campaign, and take out a full-page ad in the local paper about how that business treats the elderly, but calm prevailed because Dad's calm prevailed. He was ok, and wanted no trouble and nothing more to do with that business. So, our family (including extended members who also knew) agreed with him that a quiet boycott was enough. BUT Dad never forgot that public humiliation. During my years with him, he often mentioned that he was not welcome at that place, and when he reached the point that he said very little, he would look or point at it and shake his head "no".

That's another one of many reasons I know that Dad did not lose his mind. He knew everything and everyone. He simply lost the ability to act upon that knowledge or express it openly.