Dad's dementia had the effect of producing an innocence, a greater willingness to trust, and a dependence on us to care for him and guide his days. In practical terms, he became my boy, just like a son, during this journey. As a dependent child, he could be peevish and want his way like any kid does. He could demand, pout, walk-out, even give the silent treatment. While individual moments were frustrating, and honestly, a few of them were tense, I look back now and think without a doubt, that it was all so cute and sweet. Fortunately, Dad was mild-mannered for the most part in his wants and whines.
Perspective always helps when we get to pause, look back, think things through more deliberately, and filter issues, events, and people through a divine perspective, God's Word and God's Kingdom.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
The Future Was Off-Limits
Huh, you ask? Yes, it's true. As a caregiver immersed in my ministry to Dad and responsibility for his well-being, I could not think about the future. I was never allowed to go there. I could not plan for it. I could not think much about relationships; indeed I had no choice but to allow many friendships to go dormant. I met a godly woman who could have been "the one", but that was not to be, nor could it be, because it was inconsistent with the season of life that the Lord appointed for me. I could not think about future ministry, pastoral or missionary opportunities. Goal-setting was impossible. Vision-casting was impossible. I can't help but laugh at the folly of all the books that have been written on leadership, vision, goals, etc blah etc. Those may be interesting when you're 26 and free to let your mind roam, but not when you're middle-aged and struggling every day to care for a loved one.
"I die every day" (I Cor 15:31): Dying to self is never portrayed in Scripture as optional for a Christ-follower. It is the reality of the new birth; no one can come to Christ unless he is willing to see his old life crucified with Christ and begin to live new in obedience to Him.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:13-14) Could I plan for the future? I often thought, "I have no earthly future." It didn't exist for me. There was no future, just today. Could I agonize over regrets? about yesterday? No! It was over and done. I couldn't give place to that kind of paralyzing remorse. Today was at hand. Could I worry about tomorrow? What? I saw no tomorrows. The present day was completely full and enough on its own.
Could I pastor a church? Not possible. Could I plan a mission opportunity? Not possible. Could I lead a discipleship group or ministry? Not possible. Even the everyday things of this world like personal healthcare, financial planning, reading books, whatever......nope nope nope and nope! I learned to live one day at a time. That's all I could do. That's all that was allowed. What a great lesson from the Lord! And I'm still living that way now. Some may think I can't move on. Some may think I'm depressed and stuck. Some may think I don't know what to do now that Dad moved on up and went home. Some may think I'm not considering the future (oh to the contrary, I think much, often, and highly about our Lord's glorious return). Some may think I'm not a planner or a vision-caster. Whatever!
Today is sufficient. I live for the Lord this day. I must seize whatever He appoints for me today. I must trust Him to show me what's next. I must be faithful to the last thing He revealed to me in the meanwhile. So, yall can go ahead with your leadership goals, vision-splaining, dreaming dreams, yada yada yada, but I've come too far to turn back now. I hope you know I'm not belittling anyone else of how the Lord may be leading you in your journey, but don't impose that on me. None of that stuff matters to me now.
As far as I'm concerned, the future is still off-limits. Oh, I know what it will be, Rev 21-22 makes that clear, but I refuse to miss today. I'm not giving up on what the Lord has for me today. I must die to myself today, live joyfully in Christ today, and if He allows this body to rise from sleepy slumber tomorrow, then I will gladly repeat it all for His glory. Or even better, if He says "come up here, son", you betcha Lord, I'm ready and eager to meet you.
Maranatha!
"I die every day" (I Cor 15:31): Dying to self is never portrayed in Scripture as optional for a Christ-follower. It is the reality of the new birth; no one can come to Christ unless he is willing to see his old life crucified with Christ and begin to live new in obedience to Him.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Phil 3:13-14) Could I plan for the future? I often thought, "I have no earthly future." It didn't exist for me. There was no future, just today. Could I agonize over regrets? about yesterday? No! It was over and done. I couldn't give place to that kind of paralyzing remorse. Today was at hand. Could I worry about tomorrow? What? I saw no tomorrows. The present day was completely full and enough on its own.
Could I pastor a church? Not possible. Could I plan a mission opportunity? Not possible. Could I lead a discipleship group or ministry? Not possible. Even the everyday things of this world like personal healthcare, financial planning, reading books, whatever......nope nope nope and nope! I learned to live one day at a time. That's all I could do. That's all that was allowed. What a great lesson from the Lord! And I'm still living that way now. Some may think I can't move on. Some may think I'm depressed and stuck. Some may think I don't know what to do now that Dad moved on up and went home. Some may think I'm not considering the future (oh to the contrary, I think much, often, and highly about our Lord's glorious return). Some may think I'm not a planner or a vision-caster. Whatever!
Today is sufficient. I live for the Lord this day. I must seize whatever He appoints for me today. I must trust Him to show me what's next. I must be faithful to the last thing He revealed to me in the meanwhile. So, yall can go ahead with your leadership goals, vision-splaining, dreaming dreams, yada yada yada, but I've come too far to turn back now. I hope you know I'm not belittling anyone else of how the Lord may be leading you in your journey, but don't impose that on me. None of that stuff matters to me now.
As far as I'm concerned, the future is still off-limits. Oh, I know what it will be, Rev 21-22 makes that clear, but I refuse to miss today. I'm not giving up on what the Lord has for me today. I must die to myself today, live joyfully in Christ today, and if He allows this body to rise from sleepy slumber tomorrow, then I will gladly repeat it all for His glory. Or even better, if He says "come up here, son", you betcha Lord, I'm ready and eager to meet you.
Maranatha!
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