Dad's Final Affairs

I wrote about the wisdom of Dad's stewardship to leave appropriate end-of-life documents and to give away much of what he had, to whomever he wanted to bless, while he lived. I forgot to follow-up about how that process ended. Fortunately, my sister, brother, and I handled Dad's final affairs as unified as his end-of-life care. I signed the final papers in February 2020 to transfer the last property deed to us and close the case with the probate judge. It is a time-consuming process regardless of your loved one's decisions. In Dad's case, he was a good steward; unfortunately, it just takes time and patience to finish the process.

I originally intended to hire Dad's attorney to handle the legal documents, but instead retained his new partner, a younger Christian that I got to know through my involvement with a local Christian summer camp when he was a teenager. He and his assistant were attentive and handled the case well. The probate case stretched out when we realized that a deed from 15 years ago was not properly drafted, meaning Dad passed away with more property in his name than any of us, including him, realized. We decided to sell the property, and given the seller-financing deal we offered the buyer, it added another 12 months to the process.

So, all in all, we fared well, and Dad was honored. In fact, we agreed that it was satisfying to care for Dad in life and mediate for him when he no longer could, then complete his final wishes after he departed. Dad's stewardship example can benefit all of us. Give away whatever and as much as you want while you live, then be sure to leave an updated, valid will to cover the rest. It is a gift of peace and will make an easier transition for those who live on down here, especially for those who know and love the Lord.

9/17/2020

My Thorn In The Flesh

In 2018, I wrote on subjects related to my Dad's journey through dementia, and eventual deliverance from it. I reached the end of that privilege and put down my pen, or my computer, in this case. I left the blog online for people to search and find consolation in their days of need and grief; the persistent ongoing readership tells me that some people find the content useful, and I am grateful that these words matter to others in caregivers' crisis. I also sensed that on some future day another idea would come to mind that would be a good topic to address and attach to the articles saved here. Well, I was right, and it's time to write again.

I now realize that my 4 years with Dad will be my thorn in the flesh for the rest of my life in this world. Let me explain. From Scripture, Paul wrote about his thorn (II Cor 12), demonically-motivated false teachers had infiltrated the church, gained favor, and were relentlessly attacking him. He understood that God was in ultimate control of his circumstances, and that in spite of the motives of his adversaries, God intended good to come from it, to keep Paul humbled and dependent on the Lord.

I feel the same about my years with Dad. People have often complimented me for the decision I made to pause life, and move in with Dad to become his primary caregiver. Sometimes those expressions of admiration come with confessions of regret about choices they made regarding the care of their loved ones. Guilt is a relentless enemy; it is no "respecter of persons". I have trouble communicating this truth to others, but guilt does not care about the choices we make, nor our intentions, motives, mistakes, our best moments, or our worst moments. Guilt will ruthlessly exploit anything and everything; whether you made the best choices available to you, or whether you settled for something you now regard as less than your best. You regret it; you wish you could go back; you would give anything for a do-over.

I made the best choices available to me, at my level of spiritual maturity and walk with the Lord, but do you think guilt cares about any of that? No, it does not. Guilt humbles me from time to time to re-live certain moments, to wish I had made different choices, or handled some events with more patience, respect, and love for my Dad. So what guilt intends for my ruin, God intends for good. To humble me, to keep me there, to remind me that I have not arrived yet, and to avoid the potential puffery from those who admire, perhaps overly, the "sacrifices" I made for Dad. Be clear about this: by God's grace, I'm not broken because of this, nor am I paralyzed or controlled by it, but it will be the thorn in my flesh for the rest of my life. So like Paul, "lest I be exalted from the abundance of the revelations," or in my case, the praise of "doing right and good," I thank the Lord that He cares to keep my eyes fixed on Him and my heart trusting in Him.

Knowing that we cannot undo the past, we can certainly learn from it, absolutely repent of it, make restitution when possible, but be clear about this: guilt doesn't care about your choices; it will force you to re-litigate all of them in your mind. So we must look to the Lord, listen to Him, keep following Him when it hurts and doesn't make sense, accept the hurt or the thorn as a gift from God, and thank Him for the lessons He still lovingly teaches us.

7/21/2020

Dad's 88th Birthday

Today is Dad's 88th birthday. We are having a family get-together tonight for other reasons, just a coincidence, but I do think about him and how sweet it would be to have his smiling face sitting at the restaurant table with all of us. I miss my little boy.

We all still miss him very much, but today is a good day. The Lord is good. He made this day. His goodness fills this day, and His glory and good works are circling the world.....today. Jesus is Lord, and on the throne of heaven. He controls the visible and invisible universe. Why do I say "it is well with my soul"? Because I know who He is and where He is.

One Year Later: The Lord's Sufficiency

Today is the one year anniversary of Dad's departure and homegoing. I miss him. I always will. He was my Dad. He became my little boy along the way. He changed. I changed. And that's a good thing!

I've written many aspects of our journey with the Lord, His care, His Word, His promises, but I have to say that His sufficient, satisfying grace cannot be stressed enough and is the reason Dad and we, his children, finished this journey well. We are mortal creatures of the moment. He is the eternal, uncreated, unchanging, "I AM"! He is the One who does all things well! We don't know the details of what lies ahead next year, next month, next week, or tomorrow. We struggled to navigate our way through each moment's needs. We had no idea how long this season with Dad would be. Through it all, we succeeded at honoring our Dad, and he succeeded at receiving our love and care, because God graciously walked us through the valley of the shadow of death. By the way, did you notice the word "shadow"? It's not death for a believer. It's just a passing shadow. It cannot claim us eternally. The Lord knows our days, our seasons. He had our family situation well in His hands. He held us firmly. His plan was perfect. He did not fear. He did not waver. He did not sigh or wince at our doubts. He gave us the victory.

Amazing grace indeed!

Happy New Year 2019

It's another new year. Hard to believe. Our lives really are a vapor, as James wrote. We're here for a little while, and...<poof>....we're gone. Today is also the one year anniversary of Dad beginning the process of going home. On this day one year ago, it was a tough day because Dad was getting ready to leave. He was difficult to handle that day. He slept alot. He became immobile at the end of the day. It was confusing to me. It was different from every day I experienced with him for 4 years. I was concerned and nervous, but when I woke up the next morning, the Lord had calmed me. I knew what was happening. It was all so clear. Dad was tired. He was preparing to leave us. The Lord was preparing to receive him. The next seven days were an amazing blessing from God, and then Dad finished his course. It's already been one year. Doesn't feel that way. More like a month or two. The memories are so vivid, so fresh. But all's well. How? Because Jesus is Lord! He's doing just fine!

Happy New Year!

As Caregivers, We Must Pursue The Best Interests And Clear Wishes Of Our Loved Ones

As we approach the one year anniversary of Dad's homegoing, I was recently going through a folder of his paperwork and came upon two documents, his healthcare directive and the Physician's Order For Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST), which was prepared and signed by Dad's hospice agency and me about 2 weeks before his passing. If you have ever been in a hospital, nursing home, or hospice facility visiting a loved one in a critical condition, you may have seen one of these posted on the wall of the room, almost like an official notice, which of course, it is.

All along the way, service as a caregiver requires us to suppress many of our needs, wants, and feelings to put the interests and wishes of our loved ones above our own. They asked us, trusted us, and may have specifically named us in legal documents. They know they have asked us to do difficult things because they have already been there themselves, watching parents, a spouse, brothers or sisters slip away from this life. They ask us to do things that they also had to do, so they understand the pain and determination it takes.

I sat down with Dad's hospice staff, and we reviewed his final and legal healthcare directive, signed almost 4 years prior, when he was able to state his end-of-life wishes. Dad declared his preference to allow his natural, inevitable death to occur if he could no longer tolerate or take food and liquids. He asked for no unusual life-sustaining measures, only pain medications if needed for comfort. It was a relief to have that document. In fact, my sister, brother, and I re-read it during the final week of Dad's life to be sure that we were in agreement that Dad's wishes were being honored. But still, that document had to be transcribed into the POLST that healthcare professionals use in their practice. As Dad's designated healthcare agent, it was gut-wrenching to fill out that form and mark the spaces that read "Allow Natural Death - Do Not Attempt Resuscitation" "Comfort Measures Only" "No artificial nutrition by tube" "No IV fluids", and then sign my name to it because Dad couldn't speak for himself anymore. It hurts to do that, to fight away the feelings that we were giving up, giving in, or not doing everything we could to help him. But that's what he wanted, and it was important enough for him to write it down so that we would know and not doubt his intent.

It doesn't make the feelings go away. It doesn't mean that it's easy to do what our loved one has asked us to do, but there is peace of mind down the road in having pursued the best interests and clear wishes of the person we love. So if you haven't completed a healthcare directive with your end-of-life wishes clearly outlined, please do so immediately, because one day your loved one, husband, wife, child, grandchild, or other caregiver will thank you for the long-lasting peace of mind that you gave to them. It is a gift, and I thank Dad for it!

Merry Christmas 2018

Christmas 2018 is different without Dad, but not dreadful. We will miss having him at the dinner table. We will miss his smile and kid-like nature opening a gift. But the joy of Christmas is the Lord Himself, not family, friends, feasts, gifts, lights, decorations, or fantasies. One day all of those things will be taken away, by personal choice or by divine providence. Then what do we have left? Well, if you know and love the Lord, you still have Him, all of Him, Christmas, and all of Christmas. His gift of eternal life can never be taken from you. Praise His holy name!

Merry Christmas!

Precious Memories

I recently had lunch with a long-time friend whose father passed away last Christmas Eve. At the same time, my Dad's health was rapidly declining and went home about 2 weeks later. We were talking about how vivid our memories are of those final days. Our minds allow us to travel faster than the speed of light and even travel through time. I remember with video-like recall last Christmas Eve, leaving the Chapel early with Dad and going to the ER; an enjoyable Christmas Day with food, gifts, and family; welcoming hospice into the home December 27th and Dad's adjustments to their care; New Year's Day when Dad's homegoing began with alot of sleepy time and the difficulty I had bedding him down that night; January 2nd when Dad slept all day and never woke; January 3rd, the snow day when Dad sat up several hours, drank, ate a little, received family; January 4th when Dad sat up again but was very weak and we laid him down to bed for the final time; January 5th, 6th, 7th days in bed, resting, family and friends visiting, bringing food; and of course, January 8th homegoing, the three of us being at his side when he left, praying with him, laying hands on him, seeing his eye open to look at us and say his goodbye, the tears, the relief, the thankfulness, even feeling the lingering warmth of his bed after the funeral director removed his body. Precious memories indeed!

Most activities and most people-to-people interactions on most days of our lives are easily forgotten, but the life-changing events, places, and people remain with us. God allows us to retain those memories for our blessing and our growth and our faith, so that we can look back and recall how He worked and how great He is. The result? His Spirit renews our spirits, then we re-commit ourselves to His glory and kingdom purpose.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Settling Dad's Estate & Final Affairs

Dad was wise in his end-of-life stewardship. He performed some estate planning about 11 years before his death. He gave away some money and property to those he wanted to have it while he lived. He left a clear, simple, updated will to handle the remainder after he passed away. My sister, brother, and I have a great relationship and have been in complete agreement with handling his house, other property, and vehicles, but still I admit how frustrating and slow all of this is to finish. And again, Dad was wise and a good steward. I cannot imagine the frustration of families who deal with an estate where there is no will, no planning, or little understanding of what assets exist and where they are located.

I can definitely testify and recommend that everyone would benefit from being like Dad in this regard. (1) Do some estate planning while you can. (2) Give away everything you want and can give away while you can and think about the tax implications if it matters. (3) Leave a clear, simple will that is updated after every major life event. Dad was particularly good about that, because he signed several wills during the last 25 years of his life, always preparing a new one after a major life event. He made it as easy as possible for his children to deal with his assets, and I am thankful that Dad was a good steward.

The Schemes Of The Enemy

Christians often underestimate God's ancient foe, Satan. We forget that he is real, the prince of this world, and that his methods are to kill, steal, and destroy. His weapons are fear, worry, doubt, regret, irrational guilt, perfectionism, envy, jealousy, and many more. We are to resist him by submitting ourselves to the power and will of the Lord.

But we also overestimate him too. We say or think "the devil made me do it", the devil did this, the devil did that. While forgetting that many hardships and difficult circumstances, even tragedies and losses, are purposefully designed by our almighty God to grow us in His grace, to purify our hearts, to refine our faith, and so much more. We can mistakenly attribute a divine plan of the Lord to that scheming low-life devil. Do not overestimate him. Believers have the mind of Christ. We are already seated in heavenly places. We are God's inheritance. We have been given God's best gifts, His Son and His Spirit. We have been given everything that pertains to life and godliness. We have been given every defensive shield to repel the enemy's advances, and we have been given the one heaven-ordained offensive weapon, a sharp two-edged sword, the Word of God. It is not a club to wildly, or carelessly bludgeon adversaries. It is a precise instrument to prick our consciences and expose our hearts.

Learn to wield it rightly. Academic credentials are not required to rightly divide it and apply it. What is required? Humble, persistent surrender and submission to its judgments!