The social isolation a caregiver experiences can produce anger and resentment if the your heart is not carefully guarded. I wrote earlier about the enemy's numerous attacks. Here's another example. He sows doubt that goes something like this:
"Where are all of your friends? They are not really friends, are they? If they loved you, they would not be so distant, would they? Remember all of that love, ministry, concern, and praying for them. Nothing good came of any of that. They could not care less what you are going through. Just admit it.....they are not your friends."
That's evil stuff, eh? Indeed, it is. Due to the prolonged nature of caregiving, loneliness can produce a variety of emotions, fears, and suspicions. It is true that during difficult times friends who love, bless, and encourage will rise above some of your acquaintances who really do care, but are stuck in the struggles of their own lives. So, the enemy's attack is to split your friends, to pit one against another, to stir suspicion and doubt about everyone you know and to paint them all as uncaring users.
Not everyone will bless you with selfless sacrifice, but don't yield to the lie that no one cares. If your satisfaction is not in the Lord, the perception that friends are scarce and distant will wound badly, especially if you begin to imagine falsely that many of your associations are not what you thought they were. The Lord is near. He cares. "Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Sunday, February 11, 2018
The Caregiver Struggles Too
A caregiver is called to a privilege and responsibility to assume the role of overseer, provider, protector, shepherd, guide, advocate, and more. How "awe"-some is that? It is God-like by its very nature, being empowered with life-and-death decisions, total control of the individual's well-being and care, and given complete authority to dispense mercy and kindness. Only now do I have the opportunity to take a breath, look back, consider the "awe"-some power that was entrusted to me in Dad's care, and to self-assess what I did with and how effectively I utilized that power.
With that power also comes the struggles that every caregiver must face: frustration, fatigue, fear, worry, anger, resentment, social isolation, loneliness, uncertainty, distrust, and self-neglect just to name a few. We live in a culture that is skeptical and/or misinformed about the spiritual world, but we do, in fact, have a real enemy (see Eph 6:11-12). He prowls, he stalks, he deceives, he tempts, he attacks, but no Christian is ever left without the resources of the Holy Spirit to defend against his schemes.
There is an old saying that goes something like "facts don't care about your feelings", and of course, that's true. No matter how I feel about a person or issue, my feelings don't impact or alter the facts. What's true is true....immutably. But when the enemy comes prowling around in highly charged emotional situations, his scheme is premised on the deception that "your feelings won't care about the facts."
There is alot to unpack there. More than my heart and mind can grasp right now, but over time, perhaps I can flesh out more details about some of these individual "awe"-some responsibilities and also some of the spiritual battles that sought to weigh me down.
With that power also comes the struggles that every caregiver must face: frustration, fatigue, fear, worry, anger, resentment, social isolation, loneliness, uncertainty, distrust, and self-neglect just to name a few. We live in a culture that is skeptical and/or misinformed about the spiritual world, but we do, in fact, have a real enemy (see Eph 6:11-12). He prowls, he stalks, he deceives, he tempts, he attacks, but no Christian is ever left without the resources of the Holy Spirit to defend against his schemes.
There is an old saying that goes something like "facts don't care about your feelings", and of course, that's true. No matter how I feel about a person or issue, my feelings don't impact or alter the facts. What's true is true....immutably. But when the enemy comes prowling around in highly charged emotional situations, his scheme is premised on the deception that "your feelings won't care about the facts."
There is alot to unpack there. More than my heart and mind can grasp right now, but over time, perhaps I can flesh out more details about some of these individual "awe"-some responsibilities and also some of the spiritual battles that sought to weigh me down.
Friday, February 9, 2018
Dad's Encouragements
My relationship with Dad was never one-sided. He invested alot of himself in it too, and whether he fully grasped all of the circumstances we faced, his encouragements were so timely, as if gifted directly from heaven, which of course, they were.
I don't doubt that Dad could read my frustrations; they usually coincided with his. And if we were having a difficult time, day, or situation, we would manage our way through the trouble spot together, but almost every single time, Dad would give an encouragement. How? What kind? We might be sitting next to each other on the sofa, and he would reach over and pat my knee. He would look at me and smile. He would nod his head approvingly. He occasionally kissed me on the cheek. Cooperation and affection can make any trouble melt away. I thank the Lord for giving my Dad a spirit of consideration and understanding that dementia could not take away. I needed those encouragements, and they were always welcome and timely.
I don't doubt that Dad could read my frustrations; they usually coincided with his. And if we were having a difficult time, day, or situation, we would manage our way through the trouble spot together, but almost every single time, Dad would give an encouragement. How? What kind? We might be sitting next to each other on the sofa, and he would reach over and pat my knee. He would look at me and smile. He would nod his head approvingly. He occasionally kissed me on the cheek. Cooperation and affection can make any trouble melt away. I thank the Lord for giving my Dad a spirit of consideration and understanding that dementia could not take away. I needed those encouragements, and they were always welcome and timely.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Communication: The Lord Is Able To Speak To And Through Dementia
As Dad and I continued to live together, we grew in grace and in our understanding of each other. I wrote earlier about Dad's substantial, yet inexpressible knowledge, and that awareness kept me from presuming any subject to be off-limits or beyond his grasp. AND I learned to maintain high expectations of the Lord to speak to my Dad through the confusing aspects of dementia. That's why I would often talk to him about current events, or explain something he saw on TV or the newspaper, or talk about the people, family or friends that we know, or read something from the Bible together, or invite Dad to pray with me for a moment. He could handle all of that. He could grasp all of that.
And through my Dad's usually cooperative spirit, contentment, and calm, happy demeanor, the Lord prompted me to keep praying, or read a Bible verse to him, or talk about the future and the things of the Lord, or continue to worship in a believing faith community (the Chapel). The Lord assured me that He is able! He is God. We are not. He could speak to my Dad, in all ways and at all times. I was encouraged to press on in the knowledge of the Lord, and not to underestimate His ability to break through any confusion.
By the way, those words ("He is able") have always been my three favorite words wherever they appear in Scripture. And because of the Lord and Dad, I love 'em even more today.
And through my Dad's usually cooperative spirit, contentment, and calm, happy demeanor, the Lord prompted me to keep praying, or read a Bible verse to him, or talk about the future and the things of the Lord, or continue to worship in a believing faith community (the Chapel). The Lord assured me that He is able! He is God. We are not. He could speak to my Dad, in all ways and at all times. I was encouraged to press on in the knowledge of the Lord, and not to underestimate His ability to break through any confusion.
By the way, those words ("He is able") have always been my three favorite words wherever they appear in Scripture. And because of the Lord and Dad, I love 'em even more today.
Communication: When Dad Could No Longer Tell Me What's Wrong
When Dad could no longer tell me what he was feeling or needed, those were challenging days. He knew and felt everything, but experienced the mental disconnect of not being able to express a need. He could not tell me when he was cold, or hungry, or thirsty, or in pain. So, just like the parent of a newborn, I had to read him, his face, his body, his gestures, and his symptoms, and make decisions to meet his needs. The Lord was kind to give me insight often into the things that were not audible, but Dad and I seemed to make the right decisions together.
If we asked Dad a basic question that he could hear, he always managed a one or two word response. Thankfully, he never became completely voiceless, but I had to sharpen my skills to discern his "yes" from his "no". Sometimes, "yes" meant "yes" and sometimes, "yes" meant "no, and of course, vice versa. I had to repeat my questions, press a little, or change the wording to give him a different perspective or impression of the subject, but he and I always got to the truth of a matter eventually.
If we asked Dad a basic question that he could hear, he always managed a one or two word response. Thankfully, he never became completely voiceless, but I had to sharpen my skills to discern his "yes" from his "no". Sometimes, "yes" meant "yes" and sometimes, "yes" meant "no, and of course, vice versa. I had to repeat my questions, press a little, or change the wording to give him a different perspective or impression of the subject, but he and I always got to the truth of a matter eventually.
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
Sanctity Of Life
Our society is two full generations down the path of devaluing life. Consider abortion, 60 million infant murders since 1973. That's Hitler times 10! Beyond the importance God Himself places on the lives He gave, these deaths have ripped 100 million or more people out of our society, considering the children that they were never allowed to have. The demographic implications of this are enormous. Policymakers refuse to consider the obvious fact that these distortions are hitting minority populations hard, since the abortion industry is a racist construct. But also troubling, we are an aging population with a declining birth rate. This condition places enormous burdens on the economy, healthcare, education, social services, retirement benefits, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, the job market, tax and spend government policy, etc. Even policies involving immigration and trade are skewed because we have devolved in our respect for life. Child-bearing, marriage, family, fatherhood, and motherhood flourishes when optimism for the future is bright. Despair, doubt, and fear of the future has caused birthrates to plunge in the Western world. Many people fear they will not be able to provide for their own family, further depressing the birth rate in our culture.
Beyond infancy, our culture is stigmatizing numerous people demographics. Young men are being ostracized and discriminated against in college admissions. Soldiers are returning from war zones, with physical and mental injuries, to a country that ignores them. Middle age men 40-60 have seen an erosion in job market opportunities resulting in increased dependence on government benefits. So how is this a disrespect for life? Because the help we offer is welfare and opioids. That leads to depression, despair, suicide, and overdoses. This is one of the primary reasons that life expectancy has declined 3 consecutive years in the United States. We are over-regulating health care. It is becoming too expensive and out of reach for most people. And we have an opioid crisis that is exploding, with the contributing causes being obvious, illegal migration, Obamacare regulations, and the vast expansion of Medicaid. Most policymakers don't care. It really makes you ask, "who and how many people do they want to kill?" by their inaction.
And then let's consider the elderly. This erosion of life and dignity will force a moral showdown in the hearts of everyone eventually. Assisted suicide laws are proliferating. Healthcare regulations and insurance requirements may begin to require cost-benefit assessments on the elderly to determine if additional healthcare and its associated expense can be justified or should your loved one be sent home to die out of sight. Will we respect and honor our parents? Or will we extract what we can from them and then discard them as human debris? There is a growing socialist worldview that is pushing our society to the latter.
I pray God will give you wisdom to value life as the marvelous gift it is. Protect the unborn. Care for the newborn. Shepherd the little ones. Encourage youth to vitality of living through education, work, marriage, and family. Support the middle-aged when life hits hard and hurts. And reverence the elderly with dignity that affirms God's greatness.
Beyond infancy, our culture is stigmatizing numerous people demographics. Young men are being ostracized and discriminated against in college admissions. Soldiers are returning from war zones, with physical and mental injuries, to a country that ignores them. Middle age men 40-60 have seen an erosion in job market opportunities resulting in increased dependence on government benefits. So how is this a disrespect for life? Because the help we offer is welfare and opioids. That leads to depression, despair, suicide, and overdoses. This is one of the primary reasons that life expectancy has declined 3 consecutive years in the United States. We are over-regulating health care. It is becoming too expensive and out of reach for most people. And we have an opioid crisis that is exploding, with the contributing causes being obvious, illegal migration, Obamacare regulations, and the vast expansion of Medicaid. Most policymakers don't care. It really makes you ask, "who and how many people do they want to kill?" by their inaction.
And then let's consider the elderly. This erosion of life and dignity will force a moral showdown in the hearts of everyone eventually. Assisted suicide laws are proliferating. Healthcare regulations and insurance requirements may begin to require cost-benefit assessments on the elderly to determine if additional healthcare and its associated expense can be justified or should your loved one be sent home to die out of sight. Will we respect and honor our parents? Or will we extract what we can from them and then discard them as human debris? There is a growing socialist worldview that is pushing our society to the latter.
I pray God will give you wisdom to value life as the marvelous gift it is. Protect the unborn. Care for the newborn. Shepherd the little ones. Encourage youth to vitality of living through education, work, marriage, and family. Support the middle-aged when life hits hard and hurts. And reverence the elderly with dignity that affirms God's greatness.
Monday, February 5, 2018
Dad's Favorite Foods
Based on the foods Dad enjoyed, he was a true southern man. Fried anything was OK with him, throw in some fresh vegetables, cornbread, and something super sweet, and he was satisfied. But it's interesting and honestly, funny to me, that as his life skills declined from that of a mature, able man to a young child, so did his eating preferences. He lost interest in most foods, the meats and vegetables that he had always enjoyed, and found comfort in chicken tenders, french fries, mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes, and of course, anything sweet. His eating preferences mimicked children.
Fortunately, he did enjoy soups, chicken-n-dumplings, and chicken and rice late in life, so we occasionally had other options to offer, but when all else failed, Wendy's chicken nuggets, Arby's curly fries, and a cookie made him happy. I occasionally joked that he could have been a national spokesman for Wendys, based on the number of nuggets he ate; sorta like this generation's "where's the beef?" Clara.
His favorite meal became the Wendy's 4 for 4. If he and I were still "pal"-ing around, he would probably have it two or three times this week. Good times!
Fortunately, he did enjoy soups, chicken-n-dumplings, and chicken and rice late in life, so we occasionally had other options to offer, but when all else failed, Wendy's chicken nuggets, Arby's curly fries, and a cookie made him happy. I occasionally joked that he could have been a national spokesman for Wendys, based on the number of nuggets he ate; sorta like this generation's "where's the beef?" Clara.
His favorite meal became the Wendy's 4 for 4. If he and I were still "pal"-ing around, he would probably have it two or three times this week. Good times!
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Christmas Eve 2017: Dad's Last Sunday At The Chapel
When Dad and I dressed and drove to the Chapel for the Christmas Eve worship service, I had no idea it would be the last time that we would do it together. I knew Dad was slowly declining and struggling in a number of ways, and his health was being strained by a long-dormant hernia that suddenly began to cause him pain. During the week prior, the hernia problem led us to the hospital ER to spend several hours to identify the problem and the pain and nausea it had caused.
Dad and I arrived in Santa Claus, parked, and we walked slowly arm-in-arm together through the Chapel garden. We never leaned on each other much, but it was becoming more common. In the previous week, we leaned on each other while walking through two different stores. I kept trying my best to help him get out and about in our community, and he was willing to keep trying too. When we walked into the Chapel, we exchanged all of our usual greetings, smiles, and hugs with other Chapelers, and I walked over to speak briefly to Dad's sister-in-law (his brother's wife). I said to her: "Linda, if you and Billy want to come by the house to see Daddy and spend time with him, the time is now. Come on when you can. I'm not God, and I don't know any more than anyone else, but Dad's days are winding down." I'm glad they came to see Dad and have a long visit with him on Christmas Day. That was a good day for him in many ways.
About halfway through the worship service, my sister noticed our dad was having trouble. The hernia popped out again and was causing him pain. We decided to help him up to go home, but dad was very conscious that it wasn't "right" to just walk out. So, he sat there, even as we tried to encourage him that it was OK to go home. The Chapel is a loving, informal family of Christ-seekers, so I immediately asked everyone to stand up to see if that would help Dad to stand. When that didn't work, someone suggested that everyone walk outside. Everyone walked outside as if we were dismissing, and Dad knew it was OK to leave. My sister and I helped him up and we walked out. Lining the porch, stairs, and garden walkway were all the Chapel attendees praying and showing respect to my dad as we slowly walked through the garden to go home. It is one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever witnessed.
Dad did feel better later that day after a quick trip to the ER where a doctor guided the hernia back into place, and Dad enjoyed Christmas dinner with family and the exchange of gifts, but that was our last Chapel Sunday together. The Chapel loved and respected Dad. For every handshake, hug, or smile he received, he also gave. He loved the people of the Chapel, and he knew that he was loved and respected. That's why he was never confused why we were driving out of the way from Vidalia to gather and worship with others in Santa Claus. The love of Christ can overcome any obstacle. Love is winsome. It draws us. Dad knew that. Dad received it. Dad gave it. Dad welcomed it, and I did too.
Dad and I arrived in Santa Claus, parked, and we walked slowly arm-in-arm together through the Chapel garden. We never leaned on each other much, but it was becoming more common. In the previous week, we leaned on each other while walking through two different stores. I kept trying my best to help him get out and about in our community, and he was willing to keep trying too. When we walked into the Chapel, we exchanged all of our usual greetings, smiles, and hugs with other Chapelers, and I walked over to speak briefly to Dad's sister-in-law (his brother's wife). I said to her: "Linda, if you and Billy want to come by the house to see Daddy and spend time with him, the time is now. Come on when you can. I'm not God, and I don't know any more than anyone else, but Dad's days are winding down." I'm glad they came to see Dad and have a long visit with him on Christmas Day. That was a good day for him in many ways.
About halfway through the worship service, my sister noticed our dad was having trouble. The hernia popped out again and was causing him pain. We decided to help him up to go home, but dad was very conscious that it wasn't "right" to just walk out. So, he sat there, even as we tried to encourage him that it was OK to go home. The Chapel is a loving, informal family of Christ-seekers, so I immediately asked everyone to stand up to see if that would help Dad to stand. When that didn't work, someone suggested that everyone walk outside. Everyone walked outside as if we were dismissing, and Dad knew it was OK to leave. My sister and I helped him up and we walked out. Lining the porch, stairs, and garden walkway were all the Chapel attendees praying and showing respect to my dad as we slowly walked through the garden to go home. It is one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever witnessed.
Dad did feel better later that day after a quick trip to the ER where a doctor guided the hernia back into place, and Dad enjoyed Christmas dinner with family and the exchange of gifts, but that was our last Chapel Sunday together. The Chapel loved and respected Dad. For every handshake, hug, or smile he received, he also gave. He loved the people of the Chapel, and he knew that he was loved and respected. That's why he was never confused why we were driving out of the way from Vidalia to gather and worship with others in Santa Claus. The love of Christ can overcome any obstacle. Love is winsome. It draws us. Dad knew that. Dad received it. Dad gave it. Dad welcomed it, and I did too.
Friday, February 2, 2018
30 Years From Now?
I wrote about a quiet saying that I learned to mumble to myself on challenging days; something like "remember 30 years from now". Translation: "Greg, get a grip. Calm down. Today's struggle is not a big deal. The Lord's got this. Think about the future, 30 years from now, when you hope that someone, likely a stranger or a nursing assistant, will show you kindness and patience when you grow weak."
My experience with Dad led me to think about the future. That future belongs to the Lord, is foreknown by him, and He calls the shots, but if he allows me to live here another 30+ years, I will eventually grow weak and struggle to care for myself. Without a next generation to step in and assist me, I know that I may enter a long-term care facility. I'm OK with the possibility. In fact, if I begin to falter, I will research the facility where I want to spend the last season of my life and admit myself there.
I already pray that I will be cooperative, gracious, and maintain a winsome Christian witness, and that the Lord will put some angelically kind strangers in my life to be gentle and understanding of my limitations and struggles.
My experience with Dad led me to think about the future. That future belongs to the Lord, is foreknown by him, and He calls the shots, but if he allows me to live here another 30+ years, I will eventually grow weak and struggle to care for myself. Without a next generation to step in and assist me, I know that I may enter a long-term care facility. I'm OK with the possibility. In fact, if I begin to falter, I will research the facility where I want to spend the last season of my life and admit myself there.
I already pray that I will be cooperative, gracious, and maintain a winsome Christian witness, and that the Lord will put some angelically kind strangers in my life to be gentle and understanding of my limitations and struggles.
Thursday, February 1, 2018
Dad Knew Alot More Than People Thought He Did
I wrote about Dad's decline in skills and abilities, but I want to provide more information. Dementia involves a wide spectrum of conditions and effects on those who suffer through it. In Dad's case, he actually knew more than people thought he did.
When Dad would forget something or someone, some folks wrongly assumed that he was "losing it", but in dad's case, that's not true. Yes, his skills and speech eroded, but he still knew alot and was situationally aware. Even when he reached the point that he could not say our names, or his name, or outwardly express that he knew who we were, he still knew who he and we were. He knew how to do alot of things, but he was no longer able to act correctly upon that knowledge.
So, how do I know this? The Lord intervened to help me understand last summer. During a difficult day, Dad and I were struggling to accomplish basic tasks. He was frustrated, and so was I. Not much seemed to be working well for us that day. Dad couldn't speak to tell me his thoughts, but his mind was working overtime, as were his gestures. I knew he had a message for me, and the Lord broke through to speak through my dad's face and eyes. I heard him so clearly without saying a word. He knew. He knew me. He knew himself. He knew how to do the tasks facing us that day, but he was trapped with knowledge that he could no longer express or put into practice.
For me, that was one of our many "come to Jesus" moments. I hugged him. I told him I understood. I calmed him, and me too. I told him that we were alright, that the Lord was taking care of us. I told him "Daddy, nothing you do is wrong! We're just going to take care of this little situation and move along with our day."
It led me to often mumble to myself something like "Greg, get a grip. Just think about 30 years from now." I'll explain the meaning of that in a future post.
When Dad would forget something or someone, some folks wrongly assumed that he was "losing it", but in dad's case, that's not true. Yes, his skills and speech eroded, but he still knew alot and was situationally aware. Even when he reached the point that he could not say our names, or his name, or outwardly express that he knew who we were, he still knew who he and we were. He knew how to do alot of things, but he was no longer able to act correctly upon that knowledge.
So, how do I know this? The Lord intervened to help me understand last summer. During a difficult day, Dad and I were struggling to accomplish basic tasks. He was frustrated, and so was I. Not much seemed to be working well for us that day. Dad couldn't speak to tell me his thoughts, but his mind was working overtime, as were his gestures. I knew he had a message for me, and the Lord broke through to speak through my dad's face and eyes. I heard him so clearly without saying a word. He knew. He knew me. He knew himself. He knew how to do the tasks facing us that day, but he was trapped with knowledge that he could no longer express or put into practice.
For me, that was one of our many "come to Jesus" moments. I hugged him. I told him I understood. I calmed him, and me too. I told him that we were alright, that the Lord was taking care of us. I told him "Daddy, nothing you do is wrong! We're just going to take care of this little situation and move along with our day."
It led me to often mumble to myself something like "Greg, get a grip. Just think about 30 years from now." I'll explain the meaning of that in a future post.
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