As Caregivers, We Must Pursue The Best Interests And Clear Wishes Of Our Loved Ones

As we approach the one year anniversary of Dad's homegoing, I was recently going through a folder of his paperwork and came upon two documents, his healthcare directive and the Physician's Order For Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST), which was prepared and signed by Dad's hospice agency and me about 2 weeks before his passing. If you have ever been in a hospital, nursing home, or hospice facility visiting a loved one in a critical condition, you may have seen one of these posted on the wall of the room, almost like an official notice, which of course, it is.

All along the way, service as a caregiver requires us to suppress many of our needs, wants, and feelings to put the interests and wishes of our loved ones above our own. They asked us, trusted us, and may have specifically named us in legal documents. They know they have asked us to do difficult things because they have already been there themselves, watching parents, a spouse, brothers or sisters slip away from this life. They ask us to do things that they also had to do, so they understand the pain and determination it takes.

I sat down with Dad's hospice staff, and we reviewed his final and legal healthcare directive, signed almost 4 years prior, when he was able to state his end-of-life wishes. Dad declared his preference to allow his natural, inevitable death to occur if he could no longer tolerate or take food and liquids. He asked for no unusual life-sustaining measures, only pain medications if needed for comfort. It was a relief to have that document. In fact, my sister, brother, and I re-read it during the final week of Dad's life to be sure that we were in agreement that Dad's wishes were being honored. But still, that document had to be transcribed into the POLST that healthcare professionals use in their practice. As Dad's designated healthcare agent, it was gut-wrenching to fill out that form and mark the spaces that read "Allow Natural Death - Do Not Attempt Resuscitation" "Comfort Measures Only" "No artificial nutrition by tube" "No IV fluids", and then sign my name to it because Dad couldn't speak for himself anymore. It hurts to do that, to fight away the feelings that we were giving up, giving in, or not doing everything we could to help him. But that's what he wanted, and it was important enough for him to write it down so that we would know and not doubt his intent.

It doesn't make the feelings go away. It doesn't mean that it's easy to do what our loved one has asked us to do, but there is peace of mind down the road in having pursued the best interests and clear wishes of the person we love. So if you haven't completed a healthcare directive with your end-of-life wishes clearly outlined, please do so immediately, because one day your loved one, husband, wife, child, grandchild, or other caregiver will thank you for the long-lasting peace of mind that you gave to them. It is a gift, and I thank Dad for it!

Merry Christmas 2018

Christmas 2018 is different without Dad, but not dreadful. We will miss having him at the dinner table. We will miss his smile and kid-like nature opening a gift. But the joy of Christmas is the Lord Himself, not family, friends, feasts, gifts, lights, decorations, or fantasies. One day all of those things will be taken away, by personal choice or by divine providence. Then what do we have left? Well, if you know and love the Lord, you still have Him, all of Him, Christmas, and all of Christmas. His gift of eternal life can never be taken from you. Praise His holy name!

Merry Christmas!

Precious Memories

I recently had lunch with a long-time friend whose father passed away last Christmas Eve. At the same time, my Dad's health was rapidly declining and went home about 2 weeks later. We were talking about how vivid our memories are of those final days. Our minds allow us to travel faster than the speed of light and even travel through time. I remember with video-like recall last Christmas Eve, leaving the Chapel early with Dad and going to the ER; an enjoyable Christmas Day with food, gifts, and family; welcoming hospice into the home December 27th and Dad's adjustments to their care; New Year's Day when Dad's homegoing began with alot of sleepy time and the difficulty I had bedding him down that night; January 2nd when Dad slept all day and never woke; January 3rd, the snow day when Dad sat up several hours, drank, ate a little, received family; January 4th when Dad sat up again but was very weak and we laid him down to bed for the final time; January 5th, 6th, 7th days in bed, resting, family and friends visiting, bringing food; and of course, January 8th homegoing, the three of us being at his side when he left, praying with him, laying hands on him, seeing his eye open to look at us and say his goodbye, the tears, the relief, the thankfulness, even feeling the lingering warmth of his bed after the funeral director removed his body. Precious memories indeed!

Most activities and most people-to-people interactions on most days of our lives are easily forgotten, but the life-changing events, places, and people remain with us. God allows us to retain those memories for our blessing and our growth and our faith, so that we can look back and recall how He worked and how great He is. The result? His Spirit renews our spirits, then we re-commit ourselves to His glory and kingdom purpose.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Settling Dad's Estate & Final Affairs

Dad was wise in his end-of-life stewardship. He performed some estate planning about 11 years before his death. He gave away some money and property to those he wanted to have it while he lived. He left a clear, simple, updated will to handle the remainder after he passed away. My sister, brother, and I have a great relationship and have been in complete agreement with handling his house, other property, and vehicles, but still I admit how frustrating and slow all of this is to finish. And again, Dad was wise and a good steward. I cannot imagine the frustration of families who deal with an estate where there is no will, no planning, or little understanding of what assets exist and where they are located.

I can definitely testify and recommend that everyone would benefit from being like Dad in this regard. (1) Do some estate planning while you can. (2) Give away everything you want and can give away while you can and think about the tax implications if it matters. (3) Leave a clear, simple will that is updated after every major life event. Dad was particularly good about that, because he signed several wills during the last 25 years of his life, always preparing a new one after a major life event. He made it as easy as possible for his children to deal with his assets, and I am thankful that Dad was a good steward.

The Schemes Of The Enemy

Christians often underestimate God's ancient foe, Satan. We forget that he is real, the prince of this world, and that his methods are to kill, steal, and destroy. His weapons are fear, worry, doubt, regret, irrational guilt, perfectionism, envy, jealousy, and many more. We are to resist him by submitting ourselves to the power and will of the Lord.

But we also overestimate him too. We say or think "the devil made me do it", the devil did this, the devil did that. While forgetting that many hardships and difficult circumstances, even tragedies and losses, are purposefully designed by our almighty God to grow us in His grace, to purify our hearts, to refine our faith, and so much more. We can mistakenly attribute a divine plan of the Lord to that scheming low-life devil. Do not overestimate him. Believers have the mind of Christ. We are already seated in heavenly places. We are God's inheritance. We have been given God's best gifts, His Son and His Spirit. We have been given everything that pertains to life and godliness. We have been given every defensive shield to repel the enemy's advances, and we have been given the one heaven-ordained offensive weapon, a sharp two-edged sword, the Word of God. It is not a club to wildly, or carelessly bludgeon adversaries. It is a precise instrument to prick our consciences and expose our hearts.

Learn to wield it rightly. Academic credentials are not required to rightly divide it and apply it. What is required? Humble, persistent surrender and submission to its judgments!