Dad Stayed Home

Miraculously, dad stayed home until he left our world. I began to have doubts that we could make it all the way to the finish line, but his wish was fulfilled. He slept his last week, quietly and peacefully in his own bedroom. No tests, no needles, and no hassles. Just quiet, comfort and rest.

Of course, hospice care helped Dad to finish well and with dignity, but that was the Lord's doing and it is marvelous in my eyes. God is merciful. God be praised.

An Easy Homegoing

In his final days, Dad did not reach the full end of dementia. He still had an appetite and mobility. While he had that annoying, and occasionally painful, hernia, he wasn't sick, and he didn't get sick with any observable condition. On New Years Day 2018, he began to go to sleep. It was OK for him to go. He knew it. We knew it. The Lord was calling him home. He slept right into the next world just 7 days later (1/8/2018).

Dad's journey from this world to the next world is the easiest I have ever witnessed. No struggle. No pain. No distress. No confusion. Just peace and calm and rest. Laying hands on him and praying with my sister and brother as Dad took his final breaths was beautiful and divine. When the Lord visited our house, He took Dad to His home where he will always be welcome and wanted.

I agree with King David (Psalm 23), and I also greatly anticipate dwelling "in the house of the Lord forever."

Medications And Treatments

Do your own homework! Having good relationships with reliable and competent medical professionals is important to all of us, but the responsibility to ask questions about our prescriptions and treatments and to do some basic homework on medical recommendations belongs to each of us, and those who oversee the care of loved ones who can no longer make decisions for themselves.

As an example, one of Dad's doctors prescribed an anti-psychotic medication for him. Dad had the obvious memory recall issues, memory loss, and skills decline symptoms that accompany dementia, but he had no swings of mood that resembled any condition like bi-polar disorder or depression. Our request was simply for a sleep aid to help Dad on those occasional nights when he was more restless and needed a little assistance to get his full 11 hours rest. The need to take a bedtime sleeping aid was usually less than once a week. Sometimes, he could go weeks without needing a sleeping pill. Thankfully, he slept well and long most nights.

When I researched that medication, I was shocked at the doctor's decision. It is prescribed for those with bi-polar disorders, depression, and Parkinson's disease. The side effects could be detrimental and difficult to manage at home, especially with regard to an elderly dementia patient. Fortunately, the doctor closed the office and moved to another state before Dad had his next 6-month check-up. I certainly lost confidence in that physician.

What did I learn? That my nature to research, research, research served us well. That it's always right to ask questions, question assumptions, second-guess, get a second opinion, and do my own homework. I don't believe in blind faith, especially blind trust in a doctor. Do your homework too!

Regulations Are Undermining Our Health

My comfort and hope is in the gospel and everlasting life in the next world, because if my hope was in this world alone, I know my future would be grim in many ways. Healthcare regulations, insurance mandates, along with declining access to quality medical providers and facilities would only add to my woe. I am thankful that Dad was in good overall health for a senior citizen, and that his healthcare needs were less than most 80-somethings. But still, I had to interact with the medical and insurance infrastructure, on Dad's behalf, enough to know that serious trouble is coming. The warning signs are already evident; we're just ignoring them. What warnings, you ask? Life expectancy has been declining and mortality rates have been rising the past 3 years or so in the United States. And the more burdensome and onerous government regulations persist and insurance mandates rule our lives, these trends will continue.

Take one look at a Medicare reimbursement spreadsheet with all the write downs and confusing randomness, and your head will spin. Then look at the co-insurance statement that covers the same procedures and/or office visits, and the head spinning turns into headaches. Prescription costs and insurance coverage made no sense at all. Fortunately, Dad already had an established long-term relationship with a primary care doctor, but when it was time to schedule a specialist, it was an awkward and slow process to get scheduled and complete all the paperwork and medical history info. The bureaucratic nonsense (AKA trying to cover every base to avoid a lawsuit vs. providing quality efficient care) at doctors and hospitals was frustrating too. Being told, you can't do that, OR we can't do that, OR insurance won't allow that is an insult to the dignity of the life that God has created.

None of this diminishes the quality work by the doctors, nurses, and technicians who rendered professional care to my Dad, but the "system" is breaking down on every level, forcing quality professionals to leave it or avoid it altogether, causing costs to rise, and making access to care more difficult. All of us will be making tough financial, medical, and quality of life decisions in the coming years.

I urge you to be persuaded of Christ's salvation and find your hope in Him, because this world's madness will lead you to despair.

He Was My Dad; He Became My Son

I wrote earlier about Parenting My Dad and have made references to Dad's child-like characteristics in several articles, but it still amazes me what happened to our relationship during the last four years we lived together. I never expected it. It was the farthest thing from my mind. I never considered it possible. I intended to play the role of a son who just wanted to help his Dad live and finish well. I didn't think of it as a duty or a responsibility or a repayment, because I knew Dad deserved more than we could ever give no matter how hard we tried, but try we would and try we did.

To my shock, Dad became my son, my boy, my "Boo". It still astonishes me. That's why I write over and over that dementia robbed us of nothing. God added to us far more than anything the disease could take from us.

When At-Home Care Becomes Difficult

I learned the role and responsibilities of a caregiver with experience, day-by-day, by reflecting on my mistakes, celebrating the victories (big or small), and trusting the Lord tell us what to do next or to act on our behalf when I didn't know what to do. That was especially true about knowing when we would need outside professional help for Dad. During our first two years together, Dad was more functional, so we were closer to roommates and buddies than a care giver/recipient. The last 18 months were different, as Dad needed much more help and supervision to live well. But still, we did our best despite the difficulties. I didn't have any idea when we would need more help, such as in-home nursing aides or even a long-term care facility, but I believed I would "know" it when we got to that point.

Last September, I began to "know" it. That's when we started doing our homework about in-home/visiting nursing agencies and local care facilities, to consider the options, prepare for the costs, and think about how to ease Dad's transition through these options whatever happened next. It's gut-wrenching when you realize, that despite your best efforts, you cannot continue to do what you have been doing, even for years, because it's no longer good enough. It hurts, but we all have to do this at some point. I got "over myself" because Dad's needs and care mattered more than my feelings.

I feel for every family that reaches this point. We reached it too. We were able to stay home until Dad reached the finish line. The difference was God's providence, but I know not all families will face the same circumstances or have the same options. Because of Dad's problem hernia, and not being a candidate for surgery, his doctor recommended at home hospice care. I will write more about our experience with hospice and its benefits for our family, but I can say that having a nurse making regular visits, performing Dad's health check-ups and baths, and providing end-of-life equipment and medicines was a big relief.

Admitting that we need more help, even professional care, is difficult to accept, but it is possible when we put the focus on our loved one and think through which options are best for him or her.

God's Handiwork

I have written in previous articles about the sanctity of life and the dignity of aging. This is such an important topic that I wanted to pull together some thoughts from earlier writings to affirm the Christian worldview. Pragmatism, worldliness, and the emerging embrace of socialism is pushing our culture toward self-destruction. In my Dad's case, I state emphatically that: (1) he was never a lesser person; (2) he was never a burden on his family or society; (3) he was not expendable; (4) he was always a man with the touch of the divine.

It was difficult to watch a man "unlearn" his life, but those were just skills. Life skills or talents do not make the man. The Lord makes the man. Our value comes from Him. Even while Dad's skills ebbed, he was never robbed of his personhood or worth, and he was always our Dad. But the socialist worldview, which includes the emerging social justice movement, will force a moral showdown, as we struggle against the mob push for assisted suicide, burdensome healthcare regulations and insurance mandates, cost-benefit assessments on the sick and elderly, and more. Our culture is moving toward a dark place where we extract what we can from people and then discard them as debris.

In our family, Dad was never a burden. We were privileged to honor him. And without a doubt, Daddy gave far more than he received. The Lord gave to us all far more than we gave to each other. These last four years were a gift from God. That's why I pray that God will give all of us the wisdom to value life as the marvelous gift it is. Life is God's handiwork, and we must reverence the elderly with dignity that affirms God's greatness. Dad was worthy of our best, loving service.

Encouragements From Dad

I wrote about this subject earlier, but hey, it's just so good, why not write some more? My care of Dad was never just a one-way relationship. The Lord aided my Dad to help and encourage me too. I have written about some of these little gems, like a timely smile from Dad, a breakthrough that produced cooperation in some simple way, a pat on my knee, hand, or arm, but the best of all was tucking him in bed at night.

Our night-time routine was fairly consistent over the last 18 months. I would suggest "let's go to bed", and Dad would make a move to his bedroom. I helped him with his clothes, took care of any personal needs, and pulled the blankets up over him once he settled in his favorite "go-to-sleep" position. I kissed him on the forehead, cheek, or both, and then said "I love you, Daddy. I pray your sleep will be sweet." And it's Dad's response that cheered my heart, and that's what I want to highlight now. Dad had trouble speaking for over a year. If asked a simple, direct question, he could say "yes", "no", "ok", or "alright". Occasionally, he said 2 or 3 coherent words. Complete sentences were long gone. When he tried to speak on his own initiative from his own thoughts, the words were mangled or like gibberish. But here's the sweet thing about Dad's encouragements at bedtime, whenever I kissed his cheek and said "I love you", he always nodded his head affirmatively and said "I love you too." The Lord almost always freed his voice to give love in this way. I am blessed!!

Losing My Cool, Regaining My Cool, Maintaining My Cool

I experience all the frustrations that everyone else does. With Dad, our family had all the joys AND distresses that other families have. Keeping my composure was a battle. The Lord taught me a few key things that ultimately produced victory to keep my emotions and frustrations in check.

(1) I had to stop teaching, or trying to "fix" Dad. Fortunately, this happened early in our journey together, while Dad was still highly functional. Training, instruction, repetition of a task were pointless methods. I accepted the nature of his illness, and realized all of these "problems" were not problems at all, just minor details.

(2) Dad knew when he missed the mark on some task; he experienced the discouragement. I eventually began to say "Dad, that's not a problem. You did nothing wrong. We'll take care of this, and move on with our day." I wish I had learned this one sooner, but thankfully, the Lord got through to me eventually.

(3) When a tough moment arrived, I paused, took a deep breath, stopped talking, thought about the mercy that I will want in 30 years or so when my health declines, and prayed inwardly "Lord, help me get over myself; this too shall pass, right?"

(4) Knowing that Dad was neither "lost" nor "gone", only hindered by illness. He was still the same wonderful man with the hand of God at work in his life. Dementia wasn't stealing from us. God was adding to us.

On This Easter Weekend

We should all be reminded that our hope is in the Lord, and must be in the Lord. Even with all of our inventions and innovations, we cannot solve the problem of death, because it is a sin problem, not a medical problem. Our mortality rate remains 100%, and will continue this way until the Lord returns. Despite our research, we cannot defeat death. Despite our medicines, we cannot prevent or heal dementia. Despite our technology, we cannot stop cancers, strokes, heart attacks, or all of the other conditions that cause our bodies to cease. Technology and medicine is not our ultimate hope. The Lord is our hope.

"Christ died for our sins, according to the Scriptures, He was buried, and He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures." (I Cor 15:3-4)  This means that Christ died as the perfect Substitute for our sins just as the Old Testament prophesied and the Lord Himself promised. This means that He did, in fact, lay down His life, and having paid the full and only price for our sins, He dismissed His Spirit, experienced bodily death, and was buried. This means that He rose from the dead, that He raised Himself from the dead just as Scripture prophesied and He promised. And when you become persuaded that He is God's salvation out of sin for you and then place your faith and trust in Him, to follow Him, you will receive His resurrection, eternal life. No one wants you more than He does. No one will ever make you feel more welcome than He does.

Our family misses Dad. We will miss him this week, but we will have a joyful celebration of resurrection. How? The Lord said, "Because I live, you also will live." (John 14:19) He lives forever in the power of an endless life. Dad's faith in Christ was not in vain. In fact, every Christ follower, who has left this world for the next, is more alive now than ever. I look forward to that day too, when the Lord calls me up to go home OR He comes back to gather up all of His kids. What a day! What a glorious Day that will be!