To Serve Dad Well, Yesterday....

.....had to be forgotten. No question about that. I could not dwell on yesterday's distresses. Today was at hand. Today's needs had to be addressed. Today's challenges had to be met. Today's joys had to be celebrated. Don't underestimate the importance of celebrating every success, every joy, every bit of humor, every happy thing about the one you love, and every evidence of God's care and intervention. Celebrations preserved my sanity!

I have often thought about, prayed over, and recited Phil 3:13b-14:

"...one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

The context of those words is clear if you read the surrounding text, but this Scripture has far-reaching applications across many areas of our lives.

Yesterday's missteps would only anchor me down if I dwelled excessively on them. I took each one as a learning opportunity, absorbed my lesson, and moved on, while praying that my application of the lessons learned would make me more efficient and effective as Dad's caregiver. I could not allow yesterday's regrets to multiply into today. I confessed them to the Lord, sought His forgiveness and help, and apologized to Dad for my lapse. Today would offer its own unique challenges (Matt 6:34). I learned that I could not allow yesterday's failings to carry forward into today, or I would lose much of my joy in the Lord and my servant's desire.

Oh yeah, and not only was forgetting yesterday a challenge, but I also had to deny tomorrow's worries from seizing control of my heart. More on that in the next article.

The Caregiver's Guilt, The Benefits Of Stress, Part 8

Caregiving has advantages too. While caregiving has a high cost, there are rewards. It is sometimes known as "caregiver gain." Gains include a greater confidence and sense of purpose, personal satisfaction, and increased family relationships and closeness.  The demands of caregiving cause caregivers to move around more, and stay on their feet. Exercise can improve physical health and mental awareness. Speaking of mental performance, many aspects of managing another person's life and well-being can promote right and better thinking: monitoring medications, meal planning and preparation, scheduling, activities, medical care, financial responsibilities, etc. Caregivers often feel enhanced satisfaction and pride in their work and service. That is an important factor to deal with the stress. Caregivers are more adaptable, skillful with end of life issues, and become comforters during the season of bereavement.

For individuals who are prone to guilt and its crippling effects, you must manage your stress, resentment, and fear such that caregiving serves everyone's best interests rather than imprisons you. You can research and find numerous recommendations or suggestions for enhancing your performance as a caregiver, but here are some issues that helped me most:

-Take action: meet your needs. Needs are not good or bad; they just are. If you need some thing or some time alone, find someone to be with your loved one. Don't underestimate the healing and refreshment of an hour or two of respite, and certainly more, if you can arrange it.

-Ask for help: Call a friend or family member to admit your need. Sharing your burden can relieve some of the burden. You may be surprised to find out who is willing to help if you ask.

-Stay active; stay sociable: don't neglect people; avoid isolation.

-Draw near to the Lord: He will draw near to you. He promises.

You will be a more effective caregiver if you take care of yourself. Your loved one never wanted or expected you to become a slave. When you care for yourself, you become more efficient and effective caring for your loved one. Yes, guilt is part of caregiving. Don't ignore it. Admit it. Learn from it. You may be able to use it to become the caregiver you hope to be and that your loved one wants and needs you to be.

The Caregiver's Guilt, Stress: Part 7

Caregiver stress results from exhaustion, anger, and/or guilt, usually enhanced by unrelieved care for a chronically ill loved one. Over 60 million Americans are providing such care for an average of 40 hours/week. 13 million of them are caring for their own children concurrently. Caregiver stress rises with the additional burdens of memory issues, sleep problems, incontinence and toileting difficulties, wandering, confusion, aggression, etc. Caregivers experience high rates of fatigue, insomnia, stomach disorders, and weakened immune systems. Add to the list: high blood pressure and diabetes, which all cumulatively has a life-shortening effect on the caregiver. Because caregivers are immersed in their roles with day/night hours, they often neglect their own health. As a result 60% of caregivers have decreased life expectancy.

While caregivers have higher rates of physical problems than their non-caregiving peer group, the most common symptom of caregiver stress is depression. Roughly, 70% of caregivers experience depression. In severe cases of Alzheimer's disease, caregivers can begin to experience the symptoms of the patients in their care, most commonly experiencing progressive memory loss themselves. There are many similarities between caregiver's syndrome and PTSD. It is difficult to provide quality care in this state of distress.

Up next: An article on awareness and help.

The Caregiver's Guilt, A Message From Scripture: Part 6

Guilt is often associated with punishment. Personal feelings of it lead to self-punishment. Familial guilt leads to punishment from our parents. Breaking federal or state laws leads to a guilty verdict in a court room and punishment by a judge. Disregard of God's law carries consequential risks now and punishment in the next world. For example, Romans 3:19 explains that because of our disobedience to the Lord we are exposed for judgment in a divine court room. The whole world is guilty before God. Why? How? We have abandoned Him and His ways. We have ignored Him. We have insulted Him. We have offended Him. We have belittled Him. We have disobeyed Him. We have disregarded Him. We have blasphemed Him. And on it goes. Now, that is some heavy guilt indeed.

But thankfully, the Bible doesn't leave us dead and condemned, without hope, joy, or redemption. Instead, according to I Cor 15:3-4, Christ (the perfect fulfillment of God's Word and will) died for our sins (taking our place, our guilty verdict and its death penalty), was buried and rose again the third day (victorious over sin and death). He lives today to welcome you and that whoever calls upon His name for mercy will be saved (delivered, redeemed, forgiven, declared "NOT GUILTY" in the court room of heaven). Christ did not become a sinner when He died on the cross, but as our substitute, He was judged as a sinner (you, me, and all the other wretches just like us), receiving the punishment and abandonment and death that we justly deserve for our sins. Having taken our place and punishment, He rose from the dead in the power of an endless life, and not only takes away our sin, its penalty, its guilt, and its control over us, but accredits His righteousness to our account. So when our Heavenly Father looks at you, dear Christ follower, He sees the perfect righteousness of His own Son Jesus Christ, and He is pleased and satisfied. Forever! (Rom 6:23)

In spite of the deep pangs from guilt that accompany an awareness that you have offended God in your thoughts, motives, words, and actions, the message of redemption is so simple and beautiful: "for God so loved the world, that He gave His One and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) And what is the result of that kind of faith? Freedom! If the Son of God sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36) You will not be a sinner falling into the hands of an angry, offended God, but instead His child, fully and irrevocably adopted into His family, always welcome and wanted with Him. That's the home and family I want. I pray it's true for you too!

The Caregiver's Guilt, Our Conscience: Part 5

Our conscience can accuse us of wrongdoing, of disobeying the word and will of the Lord. A conscience can be evil, corrupted by sin, and yet cleansed by the sacrifice of Christ. A conscience can be disobeyed, ignored, and defiled. Disobeying your conscience leads to compromise, which always multiplies. Compromise never happens in isolation; it produces more of the same. A conscience can be trapped within the pride of dead religious activity; we can imagine ourselves to be something in the family of God when we are not serving the purposes of Christ's Kingdom at all. The conscience can be seared; the gravest condition of all. It can become dull and non-responsive through repeated defiance of its impulses to warn and restrain us.

But most commonly in the church, a conscience can be weak. As mentioned earlier, everyone is on a different growth trajectory in Christ. There are those who are more mature in the Lord, there are those who are less mature in Him, and those who are newborn babes. Each has a conscience that has been informed to the extent of their experience of the Lord and Scripture, and since no two people in a church family are at the exact same place of spiritual growth, this is where the greatest care is needed. The mature have to be careful to exercise their liberty and growth in Christ in a way that does not wound weaker, immature believers. The mature must remember that weaker brothers and sisters cannot just take "our words for it", and go along with us. We don't teach them to deny or defy their consciences, but rather we patiently wait for the Word and the Spirit to grow them to maturity and more fully inform their minds about the truth. Similarly, even though it is difficult food to swallow, immature believers must be instructed to avoid harsh judgments of others in the church who don't agree with their opinions on spiritual matters. We must be patient with younger believers, but that does not mean that we are silent and consent to their improper use of God's Word or the inappropriate judgments of less well-equipped consciences. It's ok to say to a newbie, "hey there, wait a minute; slow down a bit; don't be so hasty or critical. Where did you get that opinion? Where is that idea found in the Scriptures?"

Most important, we must never encourage anyone to violate his conscience. That is devastating. Comply with your conscience to the extent that it is informed in the truth of God, while you wait on Him to grow you further, and by all means, don't ignore your conscience. There is a reason you feel the way you do. Find out why!

The Caregiver's Guilt, Our Conscience: Part 4

We experience the condition or feelings of guilt because we have this amazing internal awareness that was gifted to all of us by God. It is imprinted on the heart and mind of every person. The Bible calls it our conscience. The dictionary defines it this way:

(1) the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action; (2) the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhabits the actions or thoughts of an individual; (3) an inhibiting sense of what is prudent.

That does not help me too much to explain what my conscience is, it's purpose and function, or why God gave it to me. But from Scripture I learn that it serves several functions and operates on multiple levels. For example, my conscience is active when I am being observed by other people and is active in a different manner when no one can see me. Of course, Christians know that Someone (e.g. the Lord) is always watching.

Searching through a Bible concordance, the word is used numerous times, and we learn it's meaning, uses, and warnings through the ways it is taught by the Holy Spirit. Positively, the Bible speaks of:
-a good conscience (Acts 23:1; I Tim 1:5,19; I Pet 3:16)
-a clear conscience (I Tim 3:9; Heb 13:18)
-a witnessing conscience in the Holy Spirit (Rom 9:1)
-a submissive conscience (Rom 13:5)
-an informed conscience (I Cor 10:28)

Conversely, the Bible speaks of:
-a conscience that accuses us or that we weaponize to excuse ourselves (Rom 2:15)
-an evil conscience (Heb 10:22) from which we can be cleansed
-a defiled conscience (I Cor 8:7; Titus 1:15)
-a conscience of dead works (Heb 9:14) which can be purified to serve the Lord
-a seared conscience (I Tim 4:2)
-a weak conscience (I Cor 8:10,12)

Rather than a dictionary definition, the word's use in Scripture is more helpful for our understanding. Reading down the list we can learn and apply some obvious spiritual truths. A conscience can be "good", guided by God's Spirit and Holy Scripture. A conscience can be "clear", when we live consistently in public and in private, and from one audience to another. A conscience "witness"es or affirms that we are speaking and acting upon the truth. A conscience can be "submissive" to the ways of the Lord, keeping our pride and self-sufficiency in check. A conscience can be informed by the truth of Scripture and by the limitations and stumbling blocks of immature believers. That's why we don't ignore, deny, or disobey our conscience, nor do we use our growth in Christ to lord over those who are immature and judgmental, because they lack a Bible-based worldview. Growth in Christ takes plenty of Scripture, instruction and mentoring in His ways, prayer, experiences with Him, and time; until then, our conscience can deceive us, but we heed it regardless.

Next article: our conscience accuses or exposes us

The Caregiver's Guilt, The Feelings Of Guilt: Part 3

Feelings are real, not imaginary. Guilty feelings are especially strong, even if your feelings are not based on the truth. Psychologists often write about the "notion of guilt", a series of internal conflicts based on your performance (of words, actions, intentions) when compared to standards that are important to you. So what you feel may not be based on the facts of the situation. Because you feel guilty does not mean that you are guilty, but I would never tell someone to ignore feelings since your conscience is one of the powerful warning mechanisms God has given to restrain and correct you when necessary. These feelings are often the most difficult, because they can defy the obvious facts of a situation, refuse to be checked against the facts, and can produce internal paralysis and depression.

Professionals also write about "existential guilt," which is the result of actual harm inflicted on someone else. This form of guilt is usually the most obvious where the feelings can be traced to specific actions. These feelings can result in the best or worst outcomes. When followed with humility, confession, and repentance, this form of guilt can produce internal healing. If the guilt is ignored, an individual's heart becomes incrementally more hardened, knowing the wrong that was committed yet failing to make any restitution whatsoever. It's a truth revealed in Scripture. A person's heart can be hardened and his conscience seared to the point that the individual no longer responds to convicting impulses, nor even have them again.

In terms of a caregiver, you may think that your needs are not important compared to your sick loved one, and so you begin to feel guilty that you even recognize your own needs or want to act on them. You can feel anger that your loved one's illness is unjust. The anger can turn to guilt. The feelings are so potent that you can feel guilty for feeling guilty.  Your feelings can be activated if you begin to think if only you had done more, acted more quickly, served more, sacrificed more, made different choices, worked on the relationship more, had not fractured a relationship, etc etc etc.

This is the part of caregiving that I am receiving the most feedback. People struggle to process the guilt that caregiving produced. Hang on and hang in there. Scripture has a Good Word for all of us!

The Caregiver's Guilt, A Definition of Guilt: Part 2

I looked up the definition of "guilt", and here is the language from on an online dictionary:

"Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes, accurately or not, that he has compromised his own standards of conduct or has violated a universal moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation. Guilt is closely related to the concept of remorse."

That's a mouthful, eh? But some of this definition speaks about things that I intend to write about concerning "caregiver's guilt." Guilt is a real phenomenon. It involves your mind and your feelings. It may be a result of actual or imagined wrong-doing, but your mind and emotions respond the same regardless. The feelings of compromise can be triggered by awareness that you have violated God's standard, or your personal standard of conduct, or the standards of people you value most, or your culture/societal norms. Only one of those standards is immutable (never changes) and infallible (never wrong). The others vary over time, with experience and the acquisition of knowledge, with personal growth, and with societal change. You can be deceived into adopting arbitrary standards of conduct, and then surrendering your peace of mind when you miss that mark, which was already way off the mark.

Believing that you have failed the standard you most value, you then feel that the responsibility lies entirely upon you, triggering remorse, regret, a strained conscience, the desire to "do-over" some act, word, or decision, but further pained by the knowledge that "what's done is done".

These are some of the issues that I intend to write about in future articles, highlighting the personal emotions/thoughts/pains and the Scriptural truths that can heal us and set us free.

The Caregiver's Guilt, Part 1

I have been listening to your feedback on the God stories I have been writing about my years with Dad. I appreciate all of you taking the time to read and reflect along with me. The effort and investment to post the articles on the website seems to be edifying some people, and as the Lord enables me, I will continue to do so. I am hearing more and more from those who have already shouldered the caregiver's burden and are struggling to deal with what happened, the decisions that were made, the relationships that were built, re-established, or fractured, and the grief that there are no "do-overs." Caregiver's guilt is a heavy burden. Some of it may have merit to probe our consciences. Some of it is internally contrived, yet almost every caregiver wages a battle with guilt that no matter how much or how little you do, no matter what changes you make in your own life to bear the burdens of another, no matter what decisions you made, it was not enough; it was wrong; it was selfish, etc etc etc. The feelings are harsh and punishing.

We have heard about the phenomenon of survivor's guilt as the result of an accident or mass casualty event, but I never heard anything about caregiver's guilt until I became one. It will likely gnaw at most of us to some degree. I intend to write more about caregiver's guilt, and pray the Lord gives me the wisdom to do so. There is a definite audience to be comforted, but because of the seriousness and pain of the subject, I want to be absolutely sure I am speaking from the Lord's heart and mind rather than merely post my random thoughts.

Every Day Was Good. Many Days.....

....were great! That became a familiar theme whenever someone asked how we were doing. I would say "we're well; we're having a good day." Sure, Dad and I had difficult days, tough times, frustrations, but I can honestly say that we never had a "bad" day. How so? We were living one day at a time in the Lord's grace. Our cares were cast upon Him. He is our Advocate and Protector. Nothing about our family's situation caught Him off guard nor left Him wondering what He was going do. I am thankful that the Lord has His plans, but never any back-up plans.

Dementia added many complications to our lives, but no matter its difficulties, Dad never did anything wrong. When challenges arose, we would pause, take a breath, step back, admit that the challenge was not a big deal, set things in order and move on with our day. So no difficult day was ever a bad day, a day that made me regret my life with Dad or our family's decisions regarding his care. But many days were great. The Lord gave us many days where He miraculously subdued some of the disease's difficulties. He certainly tamed our/my reaction to the hardships, and gave us/me greater wisdom about what is important and what's not. So the good, but challenging days, were often surrounded by great days, filled with the kindness of the Lord, and love, both given and received, for our Dad.

Every day was a gift. And I thank the Lord for adding blessing to some days just in time to help me hold it together. And He often lavished that refreshment through my Dad, by leading him to cooperate in some simple way, or even better, an expression of appreciation or affection.

Good times! And yes of course, I miss them.