The Caregiver's Guilt, The Feelings Of Guilt: Part 3

Feelings are real, not imaginary. Guilty feelings are especially strong, even if your feelings are not based on the truth. Psychologists often write about the "notion of guilt", a series of internal conflicts based on your performance (of words, actions, intentions) when compared to standards that are important to you. So what you feel may not be based on the facts of the situation. Because you feel guilty does not mean that you are guilty, but I would never tell someone to ignore feelings since your conscience is one of the powerful warning mechanisms God has given to restrain and correct you when necessary. These feelings are often the most difficult, because they can defy the obvious facts of a situation, refuse to be checked against the facts, and can produce internal paralysis and depression.

Professionals also write about "existential guilt," which is the result of actual harm inflicted on someone else. This form of guilt is usually the most obvious where the feelings can be traced to specific actions. These feelings can result in the best or worst outcomes. When followed with humility, confession, and repentance, this form of guilt can produce internal healing. If the guilt is ignored, an individual's heart becomes incrementally more hardened, knowing the wrong that was committed yet failing to make any restitution whatsoever. It's a truth revealed in Scripture. A person's heart can be hardened and his conscience seared to the point that the individual no longer responds to convicting impulses, nor even have them again.

In terms of a caregiver, you may think that your needs are not important compared to your sick loved one, and so you begin to feel guilty that you even recognize your own needs or want to act on them. You can feel anger that your loved one's illness is unjust. The anger can turn to guilt. The feelings are so potent that you can feel guilty for feeling guilty.  Your feelings can be activated if you begin to think if only you had done more, acted more quickly, served more, sacrificed more, made different choices, worked on the relationship more, had not fractured a relationship, etc etc etc.

This is the part of caregiving that I am receiving the most feedback. People struggle to process the guilt that caregiving produced. Hang on and hang in there. Scripture has a Good Word for all of us!