Taking Away The Keys

Knowing how and when to curtail an aging parent from driving is a challenge that every family may eventually face, but a gradual weaning worked best for Dad and our family because of several factors: (1) we had already decided that Dad did not need to live alone anymore; (2) we would be active and present with him for all of his needs; (3) that he would never spend another night alone; (4) Dad was still a very good driver; (5) Dad's dementia was very slowly progressing; and (6) he had shown no loss of direction or where "home" is located.

We didn't take away his truck keys or driver's license immediately. another family member or I volunteered to drive him wherever he wanted or needed to go. That helped Dad accept riding "shotgun".  He would occasionally grab his truck keys and ride over to the farm and return home within 30 minutes or an hour, but more and more, he acclimated to riding in the truck as a passenger; sometimes, I grabbed his keys and suggested "Dad, let's get in the truck and go for a ride." With me driving, he adjusted and accepted it.

Even when he stopped driving, having a license in his wallet was very important to him. He often looked at it and checked the expiration date. Yes, he was very aware of that, and renewal was important to him. Fortunately, he also had a state-issued ID, so when the time came for his DL to expire, I knew that he could not complete the renewal process, so I swapped the DL with his state ID, which looked alike. He was content. That ID was more important to him than the actual act of driving. He kept a couple of keys in a ring in his pocket. Even though there was no vehicle key on it, it was comforting to him, along with having his wallet, ID, and some cash, which he counted......often! As the dementia eroded Dad's abilities, he did eventually begin to have moments when he forgot that he was "home" when he was, in fact, home. By then, I had already placed all vehicle keys where he could not access them, and he had completely stopped driving. Though the desire to drive did not completely go away, we had some evenings when I struggled to reassure Dad that he didn't need to go "home" because we were already safely home. Eventually, when Dad began to misplace most things, including his key chain which unfortunately had his Army-issued dog tag from 1953, we reached the point where he didn't need to carry his wallet either, and he didn't miss it too much.

Foresight about what was coming, choosing a gradual process rather than a sudden end to driving, removal of the keys to a safe space, and plenty of respect for Dad's individualism made it work for us. I pray the "how" and "when" is revealed to you at the appropriate time. It won't be easy. Respect your loved one, preserve his or her dignity, and you can do it too.