On This Easter Weekend

We should all be reminded that our hope is in the Lord, and must be in the Lord. Even with all of our inventions and innovations, we cannot solve the problem of death, because it is a sin problem, not a medical problem. Our mortality rate remains 100%, and will continue this way until the Lord returns. Despite our research, we cannot defeat death. Despite our medicines, we cannot prevent or heal dementia. Despite our technology, we cannot stop cancers, strokes, heart attacks, or all of the other conditions that cause our bodies to cease. Technology and medicine is not our ultimate hope. The Lord is our hope.

"Christ died for our sins, according to the Scriptures, He was buried, and He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures." (I Cor 15:3-4)  This means that Christ died as the perfect Substitute for our sins just as the Old Testament prophesied and the Lord Himself promised. This means that He did, in fact, lay down His life, and having paid the full and only price for our sins, He dismissed His Spirit, experienced bodily death, and was buried. This means that He rose from the dead, that He raised Himself from the dead just as Scripture prophesied and He promised. And when you become persuaded that He is God's salvation out of sin for you and then place your faith and trust in Him, to follow Him, you will receive His resurrection, eternal life. No one wants you more than He does. No one will ever make you feel more welcome than He does.

Our family misses Dad. We will miss him this week, but we will have a joyful celebration of resurrection. How? The Lord said, "Because I live, you also will live." (John 14:19) He lives forever in the power of an endless life. Dad's faith in Christ was not in vain. In fact, every Christ follower, who has left this world for the next, is more alive now than ever. I look forward to that day too, when the Lord calls me up to go home OR He comes back to gather up all of His kids. What a day! What a glorious Day that will be!

How My Faith Grew

I just watched my Dad trust me completely to provide and care for him. Dad became an object lesson of what faith in the Lord should be. As he became more childlike in many aspects of life, he became a simpler person. By the way, I mean "simple" in a positive way. Maturity in the ways of this world brings with it confusion, corruption, and complexity. But Dad returned to a place of simplicity, quiet contentment with himself and the world around him, a child-like trust that his children would not abandon him, that we would care, nurture, and love him, and when he faced a situation beyond his ability or power, he knew we would step in to wield power on his behalf.

I have written earlier about the stewardship responsibility of being a caregiver. It is an awesome task, involving God-like authority, with life and death decision-making capability, and powers over health, finances, livelihood, etc. Just the thought of it chills me. And Dad learned to trust me more and more. He could accept my help when he was struggling. At meal time, at bath time, at shaving time, at dressing time, and at bed time, he realized that I would be strong and consistent on his behalf to do anything, beyond his skill, power, or ability, to care for him and his needs. He was never completely deprived of his mind or memories. Faith is fueled as we look back across our lives and see the hand of the Lord guiding us and stepping in to act on our behalf. Similarly, Dad knew that I would act on his behalf, not because he could see it or touch it, but because he imagined it to be so, based on what he knew about me.

This reminds me of Hebrews 11:1.  "...faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  The Lord used Dad to develop my own faith, by reminding me about its nature (child-like trust), its object (the Lord Jesus Christ), and its benefits (watching the impossible become actual). I pray as I grow in the grace of the Lord that my faith will ask big things of the Lord, and expect big things from Him.

Caregiver's Isolation

Caregivers often become isolated, especially caregivers who serve dementia patients. Dementia leads to isolation, a decline in social contact, activity and interest in others. It can spread to the caregiver too. Because public life becomes difficult or confusing for the patient, the caregiver adapts to that new reality and begins to isolate too. I experienced this and had to fight away the impulse to stay home all the time, or decline invitations to be with others simply because that's "easy".

I have written about this already, but feel compelled to repeat it. Avoid social isolation as a caregiver. Don't neglect time with other people. Stay active. Stay sociable. Your needs are not good or bad; they just are. Don't underestimate the refreshment of spending some time with others when you can arrange it. Ask for help, and just enjoy the surprise of someone who volunteers to help you. You will be a more effective and efficient caregiver if you take care of yourself. Caregiving is draining; don't deprive yourself the refreshment of others' company. You will definitely need the energy it offers.

Tension Between The Lord's Providence & Dad's Decline

One of the faith struggles I experienced was the tension, not so much real, as just inside of me, between knowing my almighty, able, loving Lord with His beautifully crafted plans for us AND watching my Dad slowly decline mentally and physically. I trust the Lord. I believe Him. I love Him. I talk to Him. I try to listen to Him, and yes, that is a struggle. I know He is sovereign over us. I know His providential kingdom plans are unfolding according to His will, and that back-up plans don't exist. His plans cannot fail. The tension rose between my yearning for a different future for my dad (in this world), and the faith awareness that God had plans for Dad in the next world. Those plans are good and eternal, but those plans would not give Dad a better mind down here, or a return to physical vitality. Regardless of my dreams, desires, or prayers, Dad was making step-by-step preparation for his journey home to the next world.

The tension was not frustrating or disheartening. It was instructive. It fueled my faith to lean into the Lord. It incited me to pray for incredible things, difficult-to-imagine things rather than lesser things like better hearing, clearer thinking, physical stamina, vitality, or conversational ability. Those things are nice, but they are not eternal. The tension reminded me regularly that "the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Rom 6:23)

It is not crass or uncaring to point out that dementia, just like every other physical, mental, and emotional infirmity leading to bodily death, is the fallout from sin that was imported into this world by the serpent (Genesis 3). We were not created for this. We were not created for disease, dementia, or death. We were not created for a casket, a grave, or a tombstone. We were created for life with God and the enjoyment of Him. The just consequence for sowing sin is reaping death, but God offers redemption and life through His Son Jesus Christ. When we place our faith in Him for salvation, God turns bodily death into a temporary rest, and He makes our dead souls come to life, alive now and alive forever. So that when our physical bodies go to sleep (for a season until the resurrection), our souls (the real us) go to the Lord. Absent from the body means that every believer will go home and be present with the Lord. (II Cor 5:8)

Thankfully, the tension is temporary. The joy of the Lord will endure forever!

Nursing My Dad

For about a year or more, Dad lost the ability to communicate, especially his own thoughts. If you asked a clear, simple question, then he would reply "yes", "no", "OK", or "alright", but anything more was challenging and rare, and he really struggled to speak his own thoughts, those were usually gibberish-like. I had to read his body language. I had to read his mind based on our mutual experience and life together. This was especially important when, just like an infant, Dad was not feeling well, but he could not tell me what's wrong.  It helped that I knew his medical history too, and that for much of his senior years, he enjoyed relatively good health with few healthcare needs.

As his nurse, I had to sort through his symptoms and make guesses just like the parents of little ones. For the most part, I guessed right on abdominal or stomach distresses, cramps, headaches, colds, etc. And on two occasions in 2017, I guessed rightly that it was time to see a doctor (at the hospital ER both times). One was related to a kidney stone; I knew the symptoms and I knew his history of those. The other was related to a hernia. He had it for years; I always anticipated it would become a problem and it did.

My point is this. Don't panic. You can do it too. Take a breath. Pause. And think through the symptoms. Use your loved one's medical history to guide you. You will make the right choices too. But above all consider this, loving care and service is always more important than obsessing with medical precision on every thing you or your loved one experiences.

The Joy Of The Lord In Dad, Our Child

That seems like a strange title, and it is to me too. In some ways, Dad returned to childhood, not just a randomness, but his actual childhood. We were given a glimpse of our Dad in the days of his youth. It was informative, and it was often funny. Dad was just like us, or rather, we were just like him. He experienced all the quirks, peculiarities, peeves, deceptions, and moodiness of kids. Many, many times my sister, my brother, and I were brought to laughter by some of Dad's antics. There was so much joy, joy in our Dad, and joy from the Lord, who compensated us in ways that we will be counting for the rest of our lives down here.

Another aspect of that joy was watching Dad move beyond his youth, to become toddler-like, which included innocence and naivete and dependence. In a mysterious way, which was also a very gracious gift from heaven, the Lord reversed some of the aspects of Dad's humanness and fallenness. The innocence was beautiful and sweet and fun. Dad could appreciate what we were doing for him. He was capable of thanksgiving.

It causes me to think about our original creation purpose (Gen 1-2), essentially we are designed to live with God and enjoy Him, free from the distortions that sin causes. Redemption in Christ not only undoes the effects of sin and the fall, but it will take us far beyond into the joy of God's glory than the original creation design. How great is our God!

Factors Contributing To Dad's Dementia

PLEASE NOTE: THERE IS NO SCIENCE OR RESEARCH IN THIS ARTICLE. IT IS MY OPINION AS A SON WHO LIVED WITH AND WATCHED OVER MY DAD'S HEALTH DURING HIS LAST YEARS.

There has been enormous research on the broad range of dementia illnesses and Alzheimer's disease, and while medical developments, testing and treatments show promise, we know that we're not "there yet" with regard to prevention or treatment of the disease. Dad was 80 when his neurologist noted "mild cognitive impairment", age 81 with "mild memory loss and forgetfulness", and age 82 with "mild cognitive impairment likely progressing to senile dementia." While many factors contribute to the disease's onset, genetics are believed to play a role too. My dad's family through his father, also including extended relatives, were known for longevity of life, but several of them also experienced late-in-life memory issues, including his grandfather, older sisters, uncles, and cousins.

While Dad may have inherited a pre-disposition to the illness, other factors likely contributed. He experienced significant hearing loss in the last 15 years, declining to minimal hearing in his left ear only. He tried different hearing aids, but eventually gave up on them and threw them away. He experienced additional vision loss, typical for his age, but he stopped using his reading glasses, and reached the point where he couldn't pass an eye exam to obtain new ones. Add hearing loss and vision loss to memory loss and the result is less conversation, less interaction with others, and less reading.

That's significant and further compounded by the emotional and physical toll on him while he cared for his terminally-ill wife Peggy. He never quit. He cared for her. He drove her to many out of town doctor appointments and cancer treatments. He stressed. He grieved. He lost a lot of weight during that year (2013).

What did I learn? Monitor your hearing. Conversation is important. Social isolation can contribute to dementia. Read and keep reading. Make sure you have eyeglasses that allow you to read comfortably. Stay active. Deal with stress. Meet your needs. Balance your diet. Maintain a reasonable weight.

Then having done all you can do, wait on the Lord to do what He will do, knowing that He does all things well.

Why Me?

We are prone to ask that question in our low moments. We love self-pity, don't we? We bathe in it to avoid whatever problem or personal failure is troubling us.

There is a better question. I'm not writing four paragraphs to combat "woe is me" distress or try to explain away our feelings; in fact, I'm not commenting at all. I'm just going to ask the question, move along, and leave it for us all to think about.

Why not me?

Good Stewardship: Legal Documents

I am thankful that my Dad was a common-sense, good steward of his resources, and that included having appropriate legal documents, which he updated when life circumstances changed. The last major life event he experienced was the death of his wife Peggy in 2014. After that happened, my Dad had the awareness that certain things needed to be done to move on with the last season of his life, which he knew he was entering. He completed a new power of attorney. He knew his life insurance needed to be updated, so he and I contacted the company to name his beneficiaries. He met with his lawyer to update his will, which I haven't probated yet. There's no rush primarily because Dad enjoyed a long retirement, and spent, gave away, or otherwise disposed most of his assets long before he reached his last years. He lived comfortably on a retirement pension, and with no debts and a simple lifestyle, he knew that he wouldn't need much to live well, so he made decisions while he was alert and able about assets, of which, only two remain in his name and can be easily handled through his will.

Very important, he completed a health care directive in which he clearly outlined his end-of-life instructions. Why was this important? Because when he went to sleep New Year's week, my sister, brother, and I knew that he was preparing to leave us. We read his directive together and agreed on what should happen over the remaining days the Lord would give us together. His choices were clearly written. That's why we knew that he wanted to stay home, rather than enter a care facility. We chose to continue with hospice care, rather than be discharged and have him admitted to the hospital. Over that last week, he was not subjected to tests, needles, catheters, or filled with fluids that his body would struggle to process. True, we did not have an exact medical diagnosis of what was happening inside of him, but we didn't need that. He wanted to sleep, and the Lord had other plans for him. He knew it. We knew it. I'm glad he stayed home. I'm glad we were there with him every step of the way. I'm glad it was just Dad and the three of us together when the Lord visited the house that January 8th evening. I'm glad we could touch him, kiss him, talk to him, pray with him, and he could open his right eye to see us as he drew his last breaths. And it's primarily because he made his wishes known with a health care directive.

End of life stewardship is important. Make sure you have a will, a health care directive, updated insurance beneficiaries, and if necessary, a power of attorney, especially if you are single. Otherwise, if you reach a point when you cannot communicate, decisions will be made on your behalf that you would not want, and assets will be spent in ways that you do not approve. It's called stewardship, and it matters. Read some of the Lord's parables and see how seriously He regards it.

Taking Away The Keys

Knowing how and when to curtail an aging parent from driving is a challenge that every family may eventually face, but a gradual weaning worked best for Dad and our family because of several factors: (1) we had already decided that Dad did not need to live alone anymore; (2) we would be active and present with him for all of his needs; (3) that he would never spend another night alone; (4) Dad was still a very good driver; (5) Dad's dementia was very slowly progressing; and (6) he had shown no loss of direction or where "home" is located.

We didn't take away his truck keys or driver's license immediately. another family member or I volunteered to drive him wherever he wanted or needed to go. That helped Dad accept riding "shotgun".  He would occasionally grab his truck keys and ride over to the farm and return home within 30 minutes or an hour, but more and more, he acclimated to riding in the truck as a passenger; sometimes, I grabbed his keys and suggested "Dad, let's get in the truck and go for a ride." With me driving, he adjusted and accepted it.

Even when he stopped driving, having a license in his wallet was very important to him. He often looked at it and checked the expiration date. Yes, he was very aware of that, and renewal was important to him. Fortunately, he also had a state-issued ID, so when the time came for his DL to expire, I knew that he could not complete the renewal process, so I swapped the DL with his state ID, which looked alike. He was content. That ID was more important to him than the actual act of driving. He kept a couple of keys in a ring in his pocket. Even though there was no vehicle key on it, it was comforting to him, along with having his wallet, ID, and some cash, which he counted......often! As the dementia eroded Dad's abilities, he did eventually begin to have moments when he forgot that he was "home" when he was, in fact, home. By then, I had already placed all vehicle keys where he could not access them, and he had completely stopped driving. Though the desire to drive did not completely go away, we had some evenings when I struggled to reassure Dad that he didn't need to go "home" because we were already safely home. Eventually, when Dad began to misplace most things, including his key chain which unfortunately had his Army-issued dog tag from 1953, we reached the point where he didn't need to carry his wallet either, and he didn't miss it too much.

Foresight about what was coming, choosing a gradual process rather than a sudden end to driving, removal of the keys to a safe space, and plenty of respect for Dad's individualism made it work for us. I pray the "how" and "when" is revealed to you at the appropriate time. It won't be easy. Respect your loved one, preserve his or her dignity, and you can do it too.

And As For Tomorrow.....

.....I had to ignore it.....alot! I thank the Lord for His words:

"do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matt 6:34)

We can say many things about worry. It reveals our fears and regrets, the things we dread most. It plays to our feelings, which can crash with the pressure applied by changing circumstances. And most important, it exposes our faith, that is, what kind of faith we have.

Saving faith is active and alive. It is more than a mental acknowledgement of the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ, but it works. It works for God's glory and on our behalf. It is fruitful and productive. The Lord said we would know it by the fruit. It's not proven by words or mere claims of Christianity. That's dead faith, just words. Saving faith results in an actual product, a transformed life when we turn from sin and follow Christ.

Sure, I had to think through, do some homework, and make plans for a variety of issues that might come our way tomorrow: healthcare needs, in-home nursing assistance, possible long-term care options, hospice, taking away the keys, when communication would become difficult, how and when to use legal documents, end of life issues, handling Dad's affairs, etc. We can do all those things and alot more without obsessing over them, without denying our faith, without offending our gracious, faithful God, or without supplanting His sufficiency with our own self-insufficiency. It is good and right to methodically arrange everything you can, to consider contingency plans and to research options. That's not faithlessness. That's servanthood.

But worry is obsessive, and have you noticed that it is often not real or never realized? We worry about things and events that never happen, except in the strange corners of our minds where we play these fictional events over and over. Yes, worry is disobedience. Yes, we worry. Yes, we are wrong to do it, but thank the Lord that His grace is sufficient to cover a multitude of sins, even our faithless doubts that He cares, provides, and will intervene on our behalf to accomplish His will and purpose.

To Serve Dad Well, Yesterday....

.....had to be forgotten. No question about that. I could not dwell on yesterday's distresses. Today was at hand. Today's needs had to be addressed. Today's challenges had to be met. Today's joys had to be celebrated. Don't underestimate the importance of celebrating every success, every joy, every bit of humor, every happy thing about the one you love, and every evidence of God's care and intervention. Celebrations preserved my sanity!

I have often thought about, prayed over, and recited Phil 3:13b-14:

"...one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

The context of those words is clear if you read the surrounding text, but this Scripture has far-reaching applications across many areas of our lives.

Yesterday's missteps would only anchor me down if I dwelled excessively on them. I took each one as a learning opportunity, absorbed my lesson, and moved on, while praying that my application of the lessons learned would make me more efficient and effective as Dad's caregiver. I could not allow yesterday's regrets to multiply into today. I confessed them to the Lord, sought His forgiveness and help, and apologized to Dad for my lapse. Today would offer its own unique challenges (Matt 6:34). I learned that I could not allow yesterday's failings to carry forward into today, or I would lose much of my joy in the Lord and my servant's desire.

Oh yeah, and not only was forgetting yesterday a challenge, but I also had to deny tomorrow's worries from seizing control of my heart. More on that in the next article.

The Caregiver's Guilt, The Benefits Of Stress, Part 8

Caregiving has advantages too. While caregiving has a high cost, there are rewards. It is sometimes known as "caregiver gain." Gains include a greater confidence and sense of purpose, personal satisfaction, and increased family relationships and closeness.  The demands of caregiving cause caregivers to move around more, and stay on their feet. Exercise can improve physical health and mental awareness. Speaking of mental performance, many aspects of managing another person's life and well-being can promote right and better thinking: monitoring medications, meal planning and preparation, scheduling, activities, medical care, financial responsibilities, etc. Caregivers often feel enhanced satisfaction and pride in their work and service. That is an important factor to deal with the stress. Caregivers are more adaptable, skillful with end of life issues, and become comforters during the season of bereavement.

For individuals who are prone to guilt and its crippling effects, you must manage your stress, resentment, and fear such that caregiving serves everyone's best interests rather than imprisons you. You can research and find numerous recommendations or suggestions for enhancing your performance as a caregiver, but here are some issues that helped me most:

-Take action: meet your needs. Needs are not good or bad; they just are. If you need some thing or some time alone, find someone to be with your loved one. Don't underestimate the healing and refreshment of an hour or two of respite, and certainly more, if you can arrange it.

-Ask for help: Call a friend or family member to admit your need. Sharing your burden can relieve some of the burden. You may be surprised to find out who is willing to help if you ask.

-Stay active; stay sociable: don't neglect people; avoid isolation.

-Draw near to the Lord: He will draw near to you. He promises.

You will be a more effective caregiver if you take care of yourself. Your loved one never wanted or expected you to become a slave. When you care for yourself, you become more efficient and effective caring for your loved one. Yes, guilt is part of caregiving. Don't ignore it. Admit it. Learn from it. You may be able to use it to become the caregiver you hope to be and that your loved one wants and needs you to be.

The Caregiver's Guilt, Stress: Part 7

Caregiver stress results from exhaustion, anger, and/or guilt, usually enhanced by unrelieved care for a chronically ill loved one. Over 60 million Americans are providing such care for an average of 40 hours/week. 13 million of them are caring for their own children concurrently. Caregiver stress rises with the additional burdens of memory issues, sleep problems, incontinence and toileting difficulties, wandering, confusion, aggression, etc. Caregivers experience high rates of fatigue, insomnia, stomach disorders, and weakened immune systems. Add to the list: high blood pressure and diabetes, which all cumulatively has a life-shortening effect on the caregiver. Because caregivers are immersed in their roles with day/night hours, they often neglect their own health. As a result 60% of caregivers have decreased life expectancy.

While caregivers have higher rates of physical problems than their non-caregiving peer group, the most common symptom of caregiver stress is depression. Roughly, 70% of caregivers experience depression. In severe cases of Alzheimer's disease, caregivers can begin to experience the symptoms of the patients in their care, most commonly experiencing progressive memory loss themselves. There are many similarities between caregiver's syndrome and PTSD. It is difficult to provide quality care in this state of distress.

Up next: An article on awareness and help.

The Caregiver's Guilt, A Message From Scripture: Part 6

Guilt is often associated with punishment. Personal feelings of it lead to self-punishment. Familial guilt leads to punishment from our parents. Breaking federal or state laws leads to a guilty verdict in a court room and punishment by a judge. Disregard of God's law carries consequential risks now and punishment in the next world. For example, Romans 3:19 explains that because of our disobedience to the Lord we are exposed for judgment in a divine court room. The whole world is guilty before God. Why? How? We have abandoned Him and His ways. We have ignored Him. We have insulted Him. We have offended Him. We have belittled Him. We have disobeyed Him. We have disregarded Him. We have blasphemed Him. And on it goes. Now, that is some heavy guilt indeed.

But thankfully, the Bible doesn't leave us dead and condemned, without hope, joy, or redemption. Instead, according to I Cor 15:3-4, Christ (the perfect fulfillment of God's Word and will) died for our sins (taking our place, our guilty verdict and its death penalty), was buried and rose again the third day (victorious over sin and death). He lives today to welcome you and that whoever calls upon His name for mercy will be saved (delivered, redeemed, forgiven, declared "NOT GUILTY" in the court room of heaven). Christ did not become a sinner when He died on the cross, but as our substitute, He was judged as a sinner (you, me, and all the other wretches just like us), receiving the punishment and abandonment and death that we justly deserve for our sins. Having taken our place and punishment, He rose from the dead in the power of an endless life, and not only takes away our sin, its penalty, its guilt, and its control over us, but accredits His righteousness to our account. So when our Heavenly Father looks at you, dear Christ follower, He sees the perfect righteousness of His own Son Jesus Christ, and He is pleased and satisfied. Forever! (Rom 6:23)

In spite of the deep pangs from guilt that accompany an awareness that you have offended God in your thoughts, motives, words, and actions, the message of redemption is so simple and beautiful: "for God so loved the world, that He gave His One and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) And what is the result of that kind of faith? Freedom! If the Son of God sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36) You will not be a sinner falling into the hands of an angry, offended God, but instead His child, fully and irrevocably adopted into His family, always welcome and wanted with Him. That's the home and family I want. I pray it's true for you too!

The Caregiver's Guilt, Our Conscience: Part 5

Our conscience can accuse us of wrongdoing, of disobeying the word and will of the Lord. A conscience can be evil, corrupted by sin, and yet cleansed by the sacrifice of Christ. A conscience can be disobeyed, ignored, and defiled. Disobeying your conscience leads to compromise, which always multiplies. Compromise never happens in isolation; it produces more of the same. A conscience can be trapped within the pride of dead religious activity; we can imagine ourselves to be something in the family of God when we are not serving the purposes of Christ's Kingdom at all. The conscience can be seared; the gravest condition of all. It can become dull and non-responsive through repeated defiance of its impulses to warn and restrain us.

But most commonly in the church, a conscience can be weak. As mentioned earlier, everyone is on a different growth trajectory in Christ. There are those who are more mature in the Lord, there are those who are less mature in Him, and those who are newborn babes. Each has a conscience that has been informed to the extent of their experience of the Lord and Scripture, and since no two people in a church family are at the exact same place of spiritual growth, this is where the greatest care is needed. The mature have to be careful to exercise their liberty and growth in Christ in a way that does not wound weaker, immature believers. The mature must remember that weaker brothers and sisters cannot just take "our words for it", and go along with us. We don't teach them to deny or defy their consciences, but rather we patiently wait for the Word and the Spirit to grow them to maturity and more fully inform their minds about the truth. Similarly, even though it is difficult food to swallow, immature believers must be instructed to avoid harsh judgments of others in the church who don't agree with their opinions on spiritual matters. We must be patient with younger believers, but that does not mean that we are silent and consent to their improper use of God's Word or the inappropriate judgments of less well-equipped consciences. It's ok to say to a newbie, "hey there, wait a minute; slow down a bit; don't be so hasty or critical. Where did you get that opinion? Where is that idea found in the Scriptures?"

Most important, we must never encourage anyone to violate his conscience. That is devastating. Comply with your conscience to the extent that it is informed in the truth of God, while you wait on Him to grow you further, and by all means, don't ignore your conscience. There is a reason you feel the way you do. Find out why!

The Caregiver's Guilt, Our Conscience: Part 4

We experience the condition or feelings of guilt because we have this amazing internal awareness that was gifted to all of us by God. It is imprinted on the heart and mind of every person. The Bible calls it our conscience. The dictionary defines it this way:

(1) the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action; (2) the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhabits the actions or thoughts of an individual; (3) an inhibiting sense of what is prudent.

That does not help me too much to explain what my conscience is, it's purpose and function, or why God gave it to me. But from Scripture I learn that it serves several functions and operates on multiple levels. For example, my conscience is active when I am being observed by other people and is active in a different manner when no one can see me. Of course, Christians know that Someone (e.g. the Lord) is always watching.

Searching through a Bible concordance, the word is used numerous times, and we learn it's meaning, uses, and warnings through the ways it is taught by the Holy Spirit. Positively, the Bible speaks of:
-a good conscience (Acts 23:1; I Tim 1:5,19; I Pet 3:16)
-a clear conscience (I Tim 3:9; Heb 13:18)
-a witnessing conscience in the Holy Spirit (Rom 9:1)
-a submissive conscience (Rom 13:5)
-an informed conscience (I Cor 10:28)

Conversely, the Bible speaks of:
-a conscience that accuses us or that we weaponize to excuse ourselves (Rom 2:15)
-an evil conscience (Heb 10:22) from which we can be cleansed
-a defiled conscience (I Cor 8:7; Titus 1:15)
-a conscience of dead works (Heb 9:14) which can be purified to serve the Lord
-a seared conscience (I Tim 4:2)
-a weak conscience (I Cor 8:10,12)

Rather than a dictionary definition, the word's use in Scripture is more helpful for our understanding. Reading down the list we can learn and apply some obvious spiritual truths. A conscience can be "good", guided by God's Spirit and Holy Scripture. A conscience can be "clear", when we live consistently in public and in private, and from one audience to another. A conscience "witness"es or affirms that we are speaking and acting upon the truth. A conscience can be "submissive" to the ways of the Lord, keeping our pride and self-sufficiency in check. A conscience can be informed by the truth of Scripture and by the limitations and stumbling blocks of immature believers. That's why we don't ignore, deny, or disobey our conscience, nor do we use our growth in Christ to lord over those who are immature and judgmental, because they lack a Bible-based worldview. Growth in Christ takes plenty of Scripture, instruction and mentoring in His ways, prayer, experiences with Him, and time; until then, our conscience can deceive us, but we heed it regardless.

Next article: our conscience accuses or exposes us

The Caregiver's Guilt, The Feelings Of Guilt: Part 3

Feelings are real, not imaginary. Guilty feelings are especially strong, even if your feelings are not based on the truth. Psychologists often write about the "notion of guilt", a series of internal conflicts based on your performance (of words, actions, intentions) when compared to standards that are important to you. So what you feel may not be based on the facts of the situation. Because you feel guilty does not mean that you are guilty, but I would never tell someone to ignore feelings since your conscience is one of the powerful warning mechanisms God has given to restrain and correct you when necessary. These feelings are often the most difficult, because they can defy the obvious facts of a situation, refuse to be checked against the facts, and can produce internal paralysis and depression.

Professionals also write about "existential guilt," which is the result of actual harm inflicted on someone else. This form of guilt is usually the most obvious where the feelings can be traced to specific actions. These feelings can result in the best or worst outcomes. When followed with humility, confession, and repentance, this form of guilt can produce internal healing. If the guilt is ignored, an individual's heart becomes incrementally more hardened, knowing the wrong that was committed yet failing to make any restitution whatsoever. It's a truth revealed in Scripture. A person's heart can be hardened and his conscience seared to the point that the individual no longer responds to convicting impulses, nor even have them again.

In terms of a caregiver, you may think that your needs are not important compared to your sick loved one, and so you begin to feel guilty that you even recognize your own needs or want to act on them. You can feel anger that your loved one's illness is unjust. The anger can turn to guilt. The feelings are so potent that you can feel guilty for feeling guilty.  Your feelings can be activated if you begin to think if only you had done more, acted more quickly, served more, sacrificed more, made different choices, worked on the relationship more, had not fractured a relationship, etc etc etc.

This is the part of caregiving that I am receiving the most feedback. People struggle to process the guilt that caregiving produced. Hang on and hang in there. Scripture has a Good Word for all of us!

The Caregiver's Guilt, A Definition of Guilt: Part 2

I looked up the definition of "guilt", and here is the language from on an online dictionary:

"Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes, accurately or not, that he has compromised his own standards of conduct or has violated a universal moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation. Guilt is closely related to the concept of remorse."

That's a mouthful, eh? But some of this definition speaks about things that I intend to write about concerning "caregiver's guilt." Guilt is a real phenomenon. It involves your mind and your feelings. It may be a result of actual or imagined wrong-doing, but your mind and emotions respond the same regardless. The feelings of compromise can be triggered by awareness that you have violated God's standard, or your personal standard of conduct, or the standards of people you value most, or your culture/societal norms. Only one of those standards is immutable (never changes) and infallible (never wrong). The others vary over time, with experience and the acquisition of knowledge, with personal growth, and with societal change. You can be deceived into adopting arbitrary standards of conduct, and then surrendering your peace of mind when you miss that mark, which was already way off the mark.

Believing that you have failed the standard you most value, you then feel that the responsibility lies entirely upon you, triggering remorse, regret, a strained conscience, the desire to "do-over" some act, word, or decision, but further pained by the knowledge that "what's done is done".

These are some of the issues that I intend to write about in future articles, highlighting the personal emotions/thoughts/pains and the Scriptural truths that can heal us and set us free.

The Caregiver's Guilt, Part 1

I have been listening to your feedback on the God stories I have been writing about my years with Dad. I appreciate all of you taking the time to read and reflect along with me. The effort and investment to post the articles on the website seems to be edifying some people, and as the Lord enables me, I will continue to do so. I am hearing more and more from those who have already shouldered the caregiver's burden and are struggling to deal with what happened, the decisions that were made, the relationships that were built, re-established, or fractured, and the grief that there are no "do-overs." Caregiver's guilt is a heavy burden. Some of it may have merit to probe our consciences. Some of it is internally contrived, yet almost every caregiver wages a battle with guilt that no matter how much or how little you do, no matter what changes you make in your own life to bear the burdens of another, no matter what decisions you made, it was not enough; it was wrong; it was selfish, etc etc etc. The feelings are harsh and punishing.

We have heard about the phenomenon of survivor's guilt as the result of an accident or mass casualty event, but I never heard anything about caregiver's guilt until I became one. It will likely gnaw at most of us to some degree. I intend to write more about caregiver's guilt, and pray the Lord gives me the wisdom to do so. There is a definite audience to be comforted, but because of the seriousness and pain of the subject, I want to be absolutely sure I am speaking from the Lord's heart and mind rather than merely post my random thoughts.

Every Day Was Good. Many Days.....

....were great! That became a familiar theme whenever someone asked how we were doing. I would say "we're well; we're having a good day." Sure, Dad and I had difficult days, tough times, frustrations, but I can honestly say that we never had a "bad" day. How so? We were living one day at a time in the Lord's grace. Our cares were cast upon Him. He is our Advocate and Protector. Nothing about our family's situation caught Him off guard nor left Him wondering what He was going do. I am thankful that the Lord has His plans, but never any back-up plans.

Dementia added many complications to our lives, but no matter its difficulties, Dad never did anything wrong. When challenges arose, we would pause, take a breath, step back, admit that the challenge was not a big deal, set things in order and move on with our day. So no difficult day was ever a bad day, a day that made me regret my life with Dad or our family's decisions regarding his care. But many days were great. The Lord gave us many days where He miraculously subdued some of the disease's difficulties. He certainly tamed our/my reaction to the hardships, and gave us/me greater wisdom about what is important and what's not. So the good, but challenging days, were often surrounded by great days, filled with the kindness of the Lord, and love, both given and received, for our Dad.

Every day was a gift. And I thank the Lord for adding blessing to some days just in time to help me hold it together. And He often lavished that refreshment through my Dad, by leading him to cooperate in some simple way, or even better, an expression of appreciation or affection.

Good times! And yes of course, I miss them.